One of the scariest moments of my life….
(A gift for you, for the holidays- Choice)
One of the scariest moments of my life happened on an lazy
Saturday morning. I was lying in bed. My husband had gone for a run and my
daughters Chloe (age 3) and Maya (age 1) were in bed with me. They loved to
climb in bed and snuggle. At the time, we had a television in the room and I
think SpongeBob was on. The girls were watching SpongeBob and we were all snuggled
in under the covers.
It came on suddenly- in my chest- PANIC.
Out of nowhere-- I became immediately aware of exactly how
much I loved them. It was overwhelming. I began to think what might happen to
me if anything ever happened to either one of them. I thought, “I can’t bear
it.” Then, I could not think at all. I was just in panic. I couldn’t breathe. I
had an overwhelming urge to get out of the bed and go make--- pancakes—really-
I wanted to jump out of bed and make pancakes. I wanted the hell out of that
moment. I thought, “You’ve never really known lasting love. You’ve moved your
whole life. Nobody ever stays. Love only hurts. Love is nothing but hurt. This
is just going to hurt.”
Somehow, I gathered
my awareness-
In yoga it is called smriti-
to remember- to re- collect.
I re-collected myself, my awareness. I told myself,
“Catherine, stay here. Stay present. Don’t run. What you are feeling is overwhelming
love for two beautiful girls who need you to be able to stay here and feel just
that. Please Catherine, be brave enough to stay.”
I breathed deeply. And….
I stayed.
I snuggled in, smelled their hair and kissed them each on
the forehead (one of the highest expressions of love). They smiled, none the
wiser of the terror I was moving through. They cuddled in more. It felt amazing
and terrifying.
And the terror passed. And SpongeBob talked Patrick into
something silly- like selling chocolate or going to driving school with Mrs.
Puff. And we snuggled even more.
And so went another Saturday morning.
Me. I was absolutely courageous. I stayed and just loved. No
matter what might happen and all that. I stayed and just loved. There is
incredible power in that. I can feel it now as I write.
Zuri’s Story
Zuri’s mom metaphorically crash-landed at home 4 days after
Thanksgiving. Zuri wondered if Child Protective Services (CPS) would come
again. They have managed to avoid being placed in foster care so far. But, this
time….. Sherece was gone a long time. Zuri knew that it was a pretty real
possibility for them to get placed. Her aunt was sick and her dad was hard to
find. She has seen at school what happens to kids in these situations. The workers
come to school. They pull you out of class. They ask questions- all of you
apart. Rashan would crack. He’s too
little. Zuri wouldn’t know until after the holidays. If the workers did not
come to school, they might be safe.
Zuri thought how hard it is to love when you have a sense
that things might change in a moment. It can be hard to breathe. Eric was home
and cranky. He was making some coffee he said he bought last night. Zuri
suspected he lifted it from the convenient story. Well, they had coffee. Rashan
was super clingy and when Zuri felt like this, she was annoyed by him.
“Rashan! Get away from me. Give me space!”
Rashan dropped his
eyes, not crying, not saying a word, walked away, to the couch and sat staring
straight at the TV, trance like. Zuri started complaining. She complained about her
mom, about Eric’s mess, and Rashan's school papers all around. She looked at
the apartment and saw nothing but mess. She saw all her mom did not do and all
she had to do. It was overwhelming. She hated it all. She hated with all of her
heart. She felt like she hated her mom, Rashan, Eric, this house, and the
stress-- she hated it all.
Then, the tears. At first just one. Then more. Then she
began to cry, a voiced cry. Then, a sob. Then, her face fell into her hands and
she really sobbed. She wasn’t mad. She wasn’t mad at all. She was hurt and
scared.
She has read in my notes, in The Yoga Bag that anger is
often a cover story-- a feeling we feel all too comfortable feeling -- when
underneath, lots of times, there is fear. Gosh, Zuri was super scared. She was
afraid. She didn’t want to go into foster care. She didn’t want to leave her
mom. She didn’t want to be split from Rashan and Eric. This could happen. If
her mom kept screwing up. It could really happen.
She decided to use her voice, Vissuda, the voice, the 5th
Chakra. She had learned that there are times when you need to use your voice. This
meant being present. This meant talking to Eric. You see, for Zuri, she didn’t
run away form things. No. She ran within. She ran deep within herself and in
there she was safe. This time, she was going to speak. For better
or worse, she was going to speak.
“Eric, I am scared. Mom doesn’t get it. If she screws up
again, they might take us away. Aunt Jasmine is too sick to watch us this time.
I am afraid to go to school. The workers might come and take us. I am afraid
they will take Rashan away and split us up. I am afraid mom will be so sad she
will drink herself to death.” Really crying now, “Eric, I am so scared.”
As she spoke, Eric was walking closer to her and now he held
her. She cried and he held her.
“Zuri, I won’t let them take you. I won’t let them take
Rashan. I am sorry. I am sorry for leaving you here alone. I will help you and
I will help you talk to mom. “
Zuri looked up at Eric, “Do you promise Eric? Do you
promise?”
Eric looked directly into Zuri’s eyes, “I promise Zuri. I
promise.”
Zuri sighed with relief. Eric, for his whole life, has
always been a person of his word. When he promised something, he meant it. They
made a plan to talk to their mom when she got up. They were going to tell her
about their fears and have her figure this out with them.
Zuri was not alone and right this moment, she was not
afraid. She went over to the couch and snuggled in next to Rashan. He leaned in and placed his head on her shoulder. She kissed his forehead and cuddled him in more, "I love you Rashan. I really love you." Zuri, didn't see Rahsan smile, but he did.
The Process
It is here. In this moment. In our lived actions, that
things change. If you run away (and make pancakes) or deep into yourself- you
stay safe- for sure. There is no chance that you will have to face
the kind of terror that is found in really loving someone.
You also miss out on the joy, beauty, passion, and the love.
I have found that there is nothing to buy, nothing to have,
nothing to achieve, nothing to get, nothing to secure, nothing, nothing
nothing, that is anything like- authentic love. So if you are too scared to
stay, you miss out on love and that is really all there is.
So Zuri and I did it. She didn’t run deep into herself and I
didn’t go make pancakes. We both did it. The thing that we need to be mindful
of is that we did it- this time.
Life is about many of these moments. In these moments you
will feel the tug to run. You might want run away, like me, or run deep within
yourself, like Zuri.
You will feel this deep urge.
Then, you will have a choice- Are you going to stay?
Say, “YES.”
I hope we all choose to stay- because that is where the love
is.
Namaste,
Catherine
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