Thanksgiving: Finding your Invincible Summer
“In the depths of winter
I finally learned
There was in me
An invincible summer.”
Camus
Thanksgiving is a day when we find gratitude for what we
have. When we see the invincible summer in all of our winters.
I ask this, “Why is it so hard to do?”
Not so much on Thanksgiving per se. I do okay on
Thanksgiving.
It is the rest of the time. I am so much better at seeing
what isn’t enough, what is hard, and ruminating on my challenges. In fact, I am
even good at getting down on myself for ruminating too much.
It is literally ironic. Essentially, for me and for most of
us, all of our needs are met. In this way, we are gifted, lucky. There are so
many countless blessings in our lives that we take completely for granted. No
matter. It is what we do. In the midst of all we need, we struggle to see it.
We miss it.
These days, I have increasingly more moments of presence and
gratitude. I thank my yoga practice and the teachings of yoga. I am here today
with my family and thank goodness, I am present and centered enough to feel
very lucky.
The universe has helped. Earlier I saw a ladybug- the symbol of
good fortune. That is not all. Hours after the ladybug, in a Cape Cod sculpture
garden I saw this poem.
“In the depths of winter
I finally learned
There was in me
An invincible summer.”
Camus
I think they both (the ladybug and the poem) are saying the
same thing. The universe is making sure that I get it. Catherine! You are so
very lucky. Be grateful. You have everything you need. Pay attention! Do not
miss it!
There is within each moment an invincible summer.
Zuri’s Story
On days like today, when I get it, when I get how lucky I
am, I can’t help but think of Zuri and how much she doesn’t have. Still, she finds her summer. No matter how wintery it gets, she finds her summer.
Thanksgiving
is a hard day for her. Her mom always goes out the night before. In fact, Zuri
can’t remember a Thanksgiving Eve when Sherece hasn’t gone out. Most years, Thanksgiving
is a non-event. It does not happen. All Wednesday night, Zuri lays awake waiting
for Eric (her older brother) and her mom to come home.
Making the best of it, this year Zuri cuddled up on the couch with
Rashan (her little brother). They watched Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
It is one of Zuri’s favorites. So tired,
Rashan fell asleep before Yukon Cornelius and Rudolph even meet. Zuri, slid
herself out from the cuddle and rested Rashan’s head on a little pillow. She
covered him up with a blanket. Like always, she kissed him on the forehead.
With time to kill, Zuri pulled her box out of the closet and finds The Yoga Bag. She thought she’d read quietly while Rashan Slept. She found
notes on a Thanksgiving Class I taught back in 2010. My notes were about
gratitude and hope. I always write what I need to hear. I wonder what she must
be thinking as she sits on the old, used couch waiting for her mom and her
brother who may or may not come home.
Zuri, a bright
light, is able to see the summer in the winter. I see her smile. She pulls out a
pen and starts to write a list.
I am thankful for:
My mom
Rashan
Eric
Aunt Jasmine
Emily
Miss Klein
Miss Amanda
She writes this list of people. Her mom is at the top of the
list. Thinking, she adds to the list reasons why she is thankful for each
person.
I am thankful for:
My mom for teaching me
patience and the importance of self-care and sobriety.
Rashan for his
unconditional love.
Eric for teaching me
courage.
Aunt Jasmine for
teaching me commitment and showing me love.
Emily and her family for
always being here for me.
Miss Klein for showing
what it means to watch out for others.
Miss Amanda and The
Yoga Bag for teaching me yoga and how to love myself.
She folded up her paper and put it in the back of her journal
with the other stuff she absolutely can’t forget.
Her mom doesn’t get home until 5:00 AM. Eric doesn’t come
home at all. It doesn’t look good for Thanksgiving. Aunt Jasmine is traveling
and Zuri’s Dad is with his new girlfriend. Zuri has already checked the
cupboards and the fridge. They don’t have any food.
When Sherece finally wakes up at 1:00 PM, she says not to
worry. She says they can go to the food pantry at the church.
Zuri doesn’t want to go. She begs her mom not to go. Her mom
said they have to. They don’t have any food and all of their money is gone (what she doesn’t tell Zuri is that she was
at the casino last night and the money is really all gone). Her mom tells
Zuri if they don’t go, they actually wont eat today. [See this link for a list
of the food panties and kitchens in the Buffalo are. Lots of people doing great
work. Lots of love. http://www.211wny.org/Erie-County/Service-Category-List/category.aspx?category=Thanksgiving%20Dinner]
They walk in and Zuri keeps her head low. She is afraid
people will see her. She looks up and there is Jayla. Ugh! Jayla, the girl who
bullies her practically everyday. Their eyes meet. Jayla is with her grandma,
just the two of them. At first neither of them smile, not Zuri, not Jayla-- they
just stare at each other.
Zuri wanted something else. She was tired of the ways things
always have been. Today, with her mom at the highest levels of hung-over and
broke, Zuri needed something good. She needed something to be better. Zuri wanted Jayla to know she wouldn’t say anything. Neither
of them wanted to be needing this help. Neither of them had it good. She knew
all of the stuff that she had heard about Jayla’s mom. She knew how Jayla must
be feeling today. Zuri looked right at Jayla and she thought this thought hard,
“Jayla, I am not going to tell anyone.
Jayla, I know you have it hard at home.”
Jayla smiled the smallest of smiles back. Then, it happened.
Jayla walked right up to Zuri and said, “Hi.”
Zuri said, “Hey” (the coolest form of ‘hi’).
They got their dinners and then they sat next to each other.
They started talking. Zuri told Jayla about the yoga classes at school and Miss
Amanda, the yoga teacher. She told Jayla how Miss Amanda loves all of the kids
just like they were her own. Jayla admitted to Zuri that she was afraid to go to
yoga because she didn’t know how to do any yoga at all.
After dinner, Zuri and Jayla went to the open area in the church
basement. Zuri showed Jayla Warrior I and Warrior II. She showed her crow pose.
They practiced crow and tried not to land on their faces. Against the wall,
they practiced handstands. Jayla held a handstand for a count of 20 with Zuri's
help. Every time they fell, they laughed.
Zuri's mom sat and talked to Jayla’s grandma. They seemed to
like each other. Zuri kept checking and Sherece seemed okay. Ah, Zuri could
relax and have fun. It was then that Zuri realized that what she thought would
be the worst-dinner-ever was turning out to be okay. Right then she decided to
add, “I am thankful for getting to know
Jayla” to her list. Its funny how things can turn out if you keep your mind
and your heart open.
It funny how in the midst of the difficult, there is always
something good.
The
Process
“In the depths of winter
I finally learned
There was in me
An invincible summer.”
Camus
There is always winter in our lives. Sometimes it is all
consuming and winter is a big part of what is going on. In those times, it seems
like it is all dark and cold. Other times winter is barely present. During
these times, nearly everything seems new, or growing, even summery. It works in
cycles- spring, summer, fall, and winter- renewal, growth, bounty, and quiet.
It all works in cycles. For example, it might be the winter of our hope about
someone changing, growing, or healing. Or it might be the winter of our youth
or a project. It might be the winter of what was an amazing and love-filled
relationship. All things run their seasons and come to winter.
This is important. It is not all happening in the same cycle.
You see, where there is one winter there is another summer. Where there is one spring there is another fall. Like August in Buffalo (summer) and Africa
(winter), every winter has its summer. Every spring its fall. It is all there,
all of the time.
When I saw the poem above, it was 30 degrees outside. It was
winter. I was walking in a sculpture garden with my husband. I had taken my Mom
to the garden for a nice trip out to Cape Cod. With her illness, she was happy
for the drive out to the Cape, but she could not walk the trail. My Mother and
Father insisted that we walk the garden path without them and went back to the
car to wait for us.
We walked. I saw art, trees, and quotes. Knowing. I saw all
of this knowing my English-teacher Mom would love this…. if only she could see
it.
It felt wintery.
I paused when I saw the quote. It was printed on paper and
taped to a rock. “In the depths of winter,
I finally learned there was within me an invincible summer.” To me, summer
is the time of abundance and warmth. It is a season of right here right now.
With the ladybug and then this message on the rock, I felt
as if the universe was asking me to stay in the season of presence and warmth
right in the midst of the winter of things.
I felt the universe was asking this of Zuri too. Here she
was at the free Thanksgiving dinner at the church. Things were wintery and
empty. The leaves were off the trees and there was no hope for spring, renewal.
Right there, she sees Jayla. Jayla, the girl that used to tease Zuri, seemed
like she might be a new friend.
In the midst of this winter, there was a bit of summer.
Summer shows up. It shows up when you open your eyes and your
heart to what the universe is offering you. It is then that you find it —compassion and
presence—the warmth of summer, an invincible summer-- right in the middle of a winter.
So I ask you, what is there for you to see in the midst of
your winter? What summer might be there? What might you see if you shifted from
counting your worries and your problems and just noticed what is right there in
front of you (your Jayla or time with your Mom)?
I am going to stay in my practice of letting go of worries
and stresses and counting my blessings. I am going to stay in my practice of
seeing what I have rather than fearing what I might lose.
This too-- I hope that when I slip, I catch myself. And if I
don’t see it when it is happening, I hope the universe is kind enough to keep
sending me ladybugs and messages on rocks.
In the midst of the winter, find your summer. It is there.
Namaste,
Catherine
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