Yoga for me is
Kintsukurio (Pronounced: kin-tsU-kU-roi): To Repair with Gold
Today’s post is about healing.
The Process:
I am like you. I have had a blessed life. Within these blessings, I have had pain. My
heart has been broken. I have been horribly hurt. I have felt rejected. I have
been rejected (literally- half my job here at the university is submitting
grants and articles that get rejected). I have failed. And I know
real loss.
One of my favorite quotes is by Ernest Hemmingway,
“Life breaks everyone
and
afterwards
some of us are strong
In the
broken places.”
That quote is from the book Farwell to Arms* a beautiful book about a horrible
construct- war.
For many years, to negotiate my hurt I used my brain, my thinking. I used my
intellect to shore things up. It was sometimes difficult to intellectualize everything
that had happened. Seane Corn calls this, “over understanding.” I am really
good at that. Essentially it is a “bypass” (see Seane Corn) of emotional
processing.
I wanted this strong-in-the-broken-places
to which Hemingway referred. Yet, somehow the intellectualizing was not quite
the mend.
I took my first yoga class in 2000. I was 35 years old. I
thought I knew my body. I was a swimmer in college and at that point had run several
marathons and even competed in a few triathlons. I had stamped out eating
disordered behavior (really- stamped it out- not processed it). I was
disciplined and “fine.”
The fix at that point was like two by fours nailed across a
broken fence- barely containing things.
My relationship to yoga was intellectual at first. I studied
it. I created prevention program for girls so that they could learn about yoga
and other life skills. I wanted them to have the tools that I wish I had at
their age (see Catherine’s Books- on this blog).
It was years of that and dabbling in my own practice that
slowly and gradually sank into the fractures of me.
I learned that in yoga you are not empty, but full- full of
light and love. In yoga, you work to slowly shed the obstacles until the light
is seen for all of its beauty and brightness.
It seems that during these years, I was a healing from the inside
out.
What I considered to be cracks and flaws were filled with
gold light- a gold light that was coming from within. Instead of covering up the
cracks and trying to nail them shut with boards and nails. I let the light
shine through the fractures, the beautiful cracks and breaks that my life had
given me.
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| Image from the Facebook Page Word Porn- See link below |
There are more factures than I can list here (I have had a
good and rich life):
Fracture: Moving
many, many times as a kid growing up- Gold: acceptance and flexibility
Fracture: Not
being able to get to my starting block at the Junior Olympics, being hurt by my high school love, failing
out of college and getting lost in a year of self-destruction- Gold: the light of compassion.
Fracture: The
falling apart of my first marriage Gold: humility.
Fracture: Being
terrified when my youngest daughter was born non-reactive with essentially no
APGAR (she’s okay now)- Gold: gratitude.
Gold: Letting
the light shine as my yoga practice grows lets me let others love me. As my practice
grows so do my relationships. Seems that when I open my heart and honor in
myself what I feared others might perceive as failures and flaws, I let my
loved ones in.
So, yoga for me is Kintsukurio- to repair with gold.
Here is the secret-- the gold is on the inside.
Zuri’s Story
Zuri finds these notes. She is on her way to school and
pretty excited because she is going to take her first yoga class after school with
her best friend Emily.
I am so happy for Zuri, because she is 13 years old. It is
my dream for yoga to be available for all kids so that can have these tools as
they face all of the challenges life is bringing them. Zuri is already letting her
light shine from the inside. She is going to LOVE yoga.
She pauses on the way to school. It is a beautiful day in
late fall in Buffalo. The air is crisp. The leaves are every color, some on the
trees and many on the ground. The sun is clear and the sky is brilliantly blue.
“Ah,” then she breathes in. “To repair with gold,” She
thinks as she exhales.
The yoga teacher who has come to her school to help is Miss Amanda
(Amanda means much-loved). She works at
a yoga studio in Snyder, NY just outside of the city. She is 25 years old and
so excited to meet the kids after school.
The kids come in. There are about 20 of them ranging from
grade 6 to grade 8. There are mostly all girls and a few boys (some girls
brought their brothers- Zuri thinks its likely their moms made them come). Zuri
and Emily grab two mats right by each
other.
Miss Amanda takes time and introduces herself. The children share their names and what they know about yoga. No one has done yoga
before. They get started.
They learn child’s post, and forward fold, and chair pose,
and warriors one and two and three. They learn king dancer pose. They do sun salutations
and they laugh as they try to balance in tree. At the end, they lie in savasana.
They are a bit sweaty and their hearts are beating in their chests. Miss Amanda
asks them to place their hands on their chest over their hearts.
Miss Amanda says, “Do you feel that? Do you feel your beautiful
heart beat? Your heart beat is a miracle. And there is only one heart beat-- ever
and for all time-- just like yours. You are a miracle. There is a big bright
light that shines within you. The world wants to see you. You shine your
lights.”
She then asked them to focus on their breath. The room was
so quiet and peaceful. Zuri felt her whole body radiate- radiate gold. She thought,
“To repair with gold. That is my yoga.”
Then Miss Amanda asked them to slowly come to a seated position,
ankles crossed and hands at Namaste.
She said, “The light in me sees the light in you. Namaste.”
Zuri, Emily, and all of the children said, “Namaste.”
To repair with gold…..
References:
Purchase Farewell to Arms Here
The photo is from the Facebook page Word Porn – Check it out
https://www.facebook.com/thispageisaboutwords
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