Find Out More about Yogis in Service (YIS)

Find Out More about Yogis in Service (YIS)

Yogis in Service began with a wish: A wish that everyone—all shapes, sizes, skin tones, and in all neighborhoods—could have access to yoga. With a deep inhale and an exhale, we headed out to make our wish come true—for us, for you, and for Buffalo.

Yogis in Service is a community group that supports yogis who are bringing yoga to their communities. At Yogis in Service we pride ourselves in the daily contribution to individual and community wellbeing. We believe that by sharing yoga we can increase the health and opportunity of each individual in the community.

Yogis in Service meet one Sunday a month to listen, problem solve. dream, and create community empowering goals. The rest of the time, we are out in our communities- schools, hospitals, universities, churches, and treatment centers- teaching and assisting yoga.

- See more at: http://yogisinservice.org/about-yis/#sthash.np4zxbcj.dpuf


We are raising money for our new yoga studio on Genessee and Doat in the Resurrection Village Community Center our Goal is $5,000

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The Space between Stimulus and Response: Finding Your True Self-- Amherst High School Commencement, 2015 Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Space between Stimulus and Response:

Finding Your True Self

Amherst High School Commencement, 2015

Catherine Cook-Cottone

Graduating Class of 2015,

I have a question for you. This question comes from the Pulitzer prize winning poet Mary Oliver. She asks, “Tell me, what IS IT you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?”

If your attention span is anything like mine was the day I graduated, I will say that for you again- “Tell me, what IS IT you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?”

How does that question land? For some of you, the answer is easy. You know. You answer quickly that you are going to college and where. Others are less sure. Travel, work, a gap year? Well, it might put many of you at ease to know- that- is not what I am asking about.

I am asking you about something closer, something in the here and now.  I am asking you about a space. A space worthy of your seeking. A space in which you- each of you- can find your true selves.

I continue with another quote. This quote comes from Viktor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a Professor of Neurology and Psychiatry at the University of Vienna Medical School.  During World War II, he spent years in concentration camps, including Auschwitz and Dachau. As a Jewish prisoner of war and medical doctor, he treated other prisoners who had deadly illnesses such as typhoid. He tried to help as best he could. Still, he watched as many of his patients were among the millions that died at the hands of the Nazis. Dr. Frankl lost his wife and much of his family. We would all have understood his choices if he had surrendered into complete dejection and hate.

Imagine yourself in his shoes for just a moment- a witness to the worst in human behavior, to tragic and horrific loss of life, the loss of beloved family- what would you do? Yeah- I don’t know either.

I can tell you what Dr. Frankl did. Instead of giving in to all that at happened to him, following liberation, Dr. Frankl authored 39 books. His most famous book "Man's Search for Meaning" has been deemed by the Library of Congress as one of "the ten most influential books in America." In this book, he makes a keen observation.

It can be summarized like this,

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In this space lies your power to choose your response.

In your response lies your growth and your freedom.”

You see, who you are, your true character lies in this space.  The question I asked you just moments ago….. “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?” It can be answered in these spaces. Truth be told, the best-laid plans can change dramatically, in a moment. It is in your interest to own this fascinating, life changing SPACE between stimulus and response.

Class of 2015, you live in historic times. There is no doubt about that. It remains true- just as it was for Dr. Frankl- that who you are, what you choose, what you create is not solely defined by the stimulus- things like your trauma, good looks or lack thereof, family, wealth, poverty, or legacy. Further, it is not defined by reactions, consequences, or rewards- deserved and undeserved- wonderful and horrible. No matter what occurs before and what happens after, who you are- lies in each of your choices. Nowhere else.

You MIGHT even consider that when life throws a challenge your way, a chance to choose, that life is not happening to you, it is happening for you. Yeah- it happens for you-- for you to find out who you are. This one wild and precious life you see- It gives you a chance to seek out and dig into these spaces. Your one wild and precious life gives you the chance to choose.

Often, we don’t see these opportunities coming. We fail to see the gravity of the moments in which choices are presenting themselves to us. Looking back we see- with 20/20 vision what could have been- might have been- if only we had chosen differently. Ahhhh but If we are lucky- we see these moments- these choices- as they present themselves to us. So, today my gift to you is to give you a heads-up. So here we go, a review of eight of the many choices that live in that beautiful, amazing space between stimulus and response.

Choice #1: Be on purpose

When I was little, there was this thing that made anything you did shift from a mild indiscretion to a serious offense- So there is, “Mom! She just hit me! She hit me right in the face!” Okay, that is pretty bad. Maybe that reflects even more than a mild indiscretion. However, if it was reported like this, “Mom! She just hit me. She hit me right in the face!…. (and here is the critical part)… “ON PURPOSE.” <Gasp> Now that is serious.  When you are a kid, it really matters if you do something on purpose.

Guess what, you are all old enough to graduate from high school and it still matters. Being on purpose, means that you live and act with intention. Here is how you do it.  First, breathe- unless it is an absolute emergency- (which very few moments really are)- wait- ground your feet, take a another deep breath and be ON PURPOSE. Yeah- do what you are up to- on purpose. Not by accident, not in a hurry, not mindlessly, not because you were drunk, and not by the seat-of-your-pants. NO! Dig your feet into the earth below you, breathe, and be on purpose.

Choice #2: Consider kindness and compassion

When you are triggered. Notice, I did not say “if” you are triggered. I said “when” you are triggered, with your ON PURPOSE consider filling the space between stimulus and response with kindness and compassion. This is risky yes- but trust that if being kind and compassionate doesn’t work, you can always be a jerk later (pause). Kindness and compassion might show up as giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you consider that each of us is fighting our own battle, that we are doing the best we can, and sometimes, you- me- we all- fall short. And when we do, we need kindness and compassion.

I also ask you to consider being kind to yourself. Us parents have spent years trying to help you kids have a good self-esteem. As it turns out, researchers have discovered that self-esteem is nice, but it is difficult to maintain and not all that helpful. First, to get self-esteem you need to succeed, win the game, be the best, or the prettiest, funniest, and most popular. “Perfect,” you say, “that is a plan! I just need to win and I will have high self-esteem and that is good. I am good.” Okay class of 2015, look to your left and to your right. Those are your competitors- stare them down. If they win, you lose. (Pause). So, this begs the question,  “How can we all win?” We can’t and won’t. When one of us wins, a lot of us- simply as collateral damage- lose. So what now?  To fix this, we started giving everyone trophy’s. The parents say, “Wow, you got a trophy. Look at that!” The kid shrugs and says, “So- everyone got one.”

The good news is the research tells us that having self-compassion is more helpful than self-esteem and you don’t need to crush your friends to get there.  Self-compassion correlates with less anxiety, better academic performance, and higher achievement of goals- and many more really great things. Self-compassion involves being kind to yourself no matter what. It means honoring your struggle, hard work, and effort. It means knowing that we all try and we all fail and it is part of the common human experience. It is being able to look clearly at what you could have done better and giving yourself the talk, “Look Catherine, you tried. Today was a hard day. We all have days like this. So, you were a little nervous, maybe a little sweaty. It’s hot up on stage. You wore that robe and the hat. Let it go. Your next speech, well that speech will be fabulous!” Self-compassion looks like that.  So, choose kindness and compassion it will serve you as well as those around you.

Choice #3: Do the right thing, not the easy thing

When we are lucky, the right thing is the easy thing- and reality is, the more times you choose the right thing- the easier it gets. In 2013, I took a team to Kenya to research the Africa Yoga Project, a program employing almost 100 Kenyans as yoga teachers offering yoga to nearly 5,000 Kenyans a week. We conducted some of the research in the Kibera slums. About 1 million people live in Kibera, which is the size of New York City’s Central Park. Kibera is jammed with row after row of tin huts, each housing up to eight people. There is no plumbing or running water. There are no streets, lighting, police, or medical facilities. Urine and feces run in the ruts of the walking paths. Life expectancy in Kibera is 30 years of age and one out of five children do not live to see age 5.

When my research team returned from completing Phase 1 of our study in Kibera, a few team members approached me and said they did not feel safe enough to go back. We had hired security, but the truth was, I could not ensure everyone’s safety. I was in one of these spaces. On one hand, I wanted the study to be successful and- on the other hand- I wanted my team to feel safe. I was tired and frustrated. I took a deep breath, waited, grounded my feet, and with my ON PURPOSE-- I approached the team. I told them that the choice was theirs to make. Sure, I wanted the help. Yeah, it was critical for us to find out more about the effects of yoga in the Kibera slums. And No, my desire to collect these data were not more important than the security and well-being of any one member of my team. The next day, a smaller group of us went to Kibera and completed Phase 2. I have a photo of my husband working with a child on the clay floor of the Kibera school, no roof or books, and a chicken running by. We had a truly inspiring day. And the team members that stayed back, they happily prepared our materials for the next few days. They were uplifted by their power to choose. The easy thing would have been to express my frustration and argue with the team. The right thing was to allow choice even if it meant I might lose data. I did the right thing.

Choice #4: Choose love over fear

This is a big one. In his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Viktor Frankl described a forced march, prisoners starving and freezing, holding each other up. He had this realization, he said, “…for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth— that love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

I have my own, smaller story. I had moved around a lot as a kid. When I was about the age you are right now- class of 2015. I told myself that I would not get attached to anyone, ever again- because it hurt too much to say goodbye. Well, that was a bad plan- the world is too full of amazing people to not fall in love. And against my best-laid plans, I met my husband and then worse, I had two daughters. It all came down to this moment, one of the most difficult moments of my life. It was an early Saturday morning. My husband had gone for a run and my daughters had climbed up into our bed to cuddle. I was snuggling with them and all of a sudden- I was overwhelmed by how much I loved them. I started thinking about what it would feel like if something happened to them. I was terrified. I had an overwhelming urge to run miles away from the fear I was feeling. Instead, I said, “Catherine- stay. Stay here and feel what you feel.” And at that moment, I chose love over fear. My girls did not understand why tears were streaming down my face. They were tears of joy- because I let myself choose love.

You will have these moments because one of the scariest things you will ever do-- is to love. I promise. You will have instants when the words, “I love you” will lift a parent’s heart, bring joy to a grandparent, light up a child’s face, and mean more than you can imagine to a dear friend. Don’t be afraid to say, “ I love you.” I chose love over fear and I hope you do too.

Choice #5: Choose joy

During our second trip to Kibera, we saw devastating hardship and we saw something else. We saw children playing, laughing, and running into the arms of their mothers. We saw smiles and dancing. We saw, in the midst of devastating hardship and poverty, what could only be described as joy. When we got back to our room that night, my husband and I talked about all we had in our lives, a house, fresh food and water, and healthy children. Yet, despite all that we had- it was so easy for us to get caught up in what we didn’t have. We sat in silence. Then, Jerry said, “I know what we learned today. We learned that you choose joy. It is not about what you have or don’t have, at a certain point- you- just- choose- joy.” He was right. We choose joy. Choose to step into the dance, the laughter, the love, the do-it-anyways of life. In your spaces, choose joy.

Choice #6:  Choose meaning

And in this choice lies the critical question, “What is your purpose?”  Some believe that were all born with a purpose- a dharma- a reason for being. So, start today and live the question, “What is my purpose?” When you consider your answer, dare to dream. You’ll know you have found the right answer because it will feel right in your gut and your heart and it will make sense up here. Other things will happen too. You will get excited to go to work. You will laugh with your colleagues during the hardest of days. You will cry because you can’t make a difference fast enough. You will see setbacks as part of the mission. And you will get up everyday, ready to carve out the next steps. Then there is this one- this one is really important Class of 2015- you will look to your left and to your right and see your comrades, not your competitors. You see, when you find your reason for being, you will change this world in ways that bring you closer to others not further away- because that is what reasons-for-being are all about. They are about the WE and not the I. Choose meaning.

Choice #7: Get out of your comfort zone

It is said that, “Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” We all have our comfort zones. For some of you, it’s on the couch binge watching your favorite show. For others, it’s the same old friends, your routines, and the things you know you’ll get right. It’s the place where we feel safe, yes. However, magic happens outside of your comfort zone. Right now, ask yourself, “What would I do with my life if I wasn’t afraid to fail?”

I am living it now. With a not-for-profit I founded, Yogis in Service, I have committed to building a yoga studio on the East-side of Buffalo. Why? because I believe in social justice. I believe that all of us should have access the safe places to exercise, learn to breathe, and cope with stress. I was there this morning teaching yoga. In fact, that is my reason-for-being- to give others access to the tools of self-regulation. To build this studio, we need to construct a wall and put in both a subfloor and yoga floor. We don’t have the money or supplies….. yet. In fact, I am not exactly sure how we are going to pull this off. And as I share my goals with the world, I am nervous, really nervous. Some days I am down right scared.  Just like I was when I applied to my master’s and doctoral programs, when I defended my dissertation, when I fell in love with my husband and had my daughters, when we bought our house, when I started putting together the team to go to Africa, and now standing in front of you giving my first ever commencement speech. This, my friends, is outside of my comfort zone and this is where the magic happens. Come join me in the space outside of your comfort zone.

Choice #8: Consider that you are worth the effort

This is the last one, and perhaps the most important. I am going to tell you something not too many people know, I failed/dropped out of college. Yes. I did. I was going through what some people call a “rough patch” that involved a break-up and a lot of bad choices. Truth is, I went through a period of time when I was hurting and I did not believe that my self, this self, or my dreams were worth the effort. Hurt and loss can be confusing that way. The good news is that during this time, there was a small voice inside that kept reminding me that I had something valuable to offer. That even though I had messed up, there was more to me than my mistakes. I can tell you right now, as someone who has pulled herself up by her bootstraps, that it is never too late to turn it around and there is no dream too big for me, you, or anyone.

Digging into the place between stimulus and response in not easy. It can be a pretty intimidating notion to really get it-- that life happens for you and not to you. Yeah, it requires effort, looking your worst choices right in the eyes, and moving forward anyway. There will be times when you will fail, you will be hurting, and you will feel like giving up and it- is- at- exactly- these moments that you will need to remember that YOU are worth the effort. Choose you and when you choose you, you will be choosing all of us too.  You see, I believe that we are all inextricably interconnected and if anyone of us gives up on his or herself- on his or her reason for being- well, we all lose. So for you, for me, for us- please know that you are worth the effort. Choose you.

There are many more of these choices that you will face during your one wild and precious life. As you have other things to do today-- beyond listening to this speech-- I cannot list them all. And trust me, I would love to. There are really good ones, like-- value the journey as much as the destination, look for the big picture in the tiniest of moments, find humor, never forget your friends, be humble, see beauty in the quirks, send thank you cards, and as the words to one of my mom’s favorite songs plead, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.”

Ultimately, I am asking you to be a seeker. Look for the choices that live in your spaces- those beautiful spaces between stimulus and response- where you will come face-to-face with your true self, eyes wide open, and heart ready.

Class of 2015, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?”  In my day, this would the time to say, “May the force be with you.” But that was 32 years ago. I could also say- “May the odds be ever in your favor” but that is too 2014. So one last gift to you class of 2015—I give you your own tag line-

Choose well-- my friends-- choose well.  

Thank you! And Congratulations!

When your Mom Dies

When your Mom Dies

Catherine Cook-Cottone

He said, “One, two, four, six months…”

Okay six, six months.

Six weeks.

Let’s move the bed downstairs.

This looks nice.

In the living room, by the bed, a movie with Mom and Dad

 “Mom, eat. Okay? We need you.”

This is nice.

I can do this.

No time with a walker.

No time with a wheel chair.

No time.

Hospice.

Hospice.

Hospice.

“I am sorry Mom.”

I am really sorry.

Can you hear me?

“I love you too.”

Thank you Mom.

Thank you.

There is no time.

Obituary.

Eulogy.

Waves of knowing.

Mom would like that- oh.

God.

I forgot to show you Chloe’s art.

Maya has a song for you.

God.

I don’t know what to do.

We weren’t finished.

Please.

Ugh.

I miss you.

Work. Dishes. Emails. Phone calls. Laundry.

I am behind.

Oh, look. Mom would like that.

God.

Coping with Things You Think You Can’t Handle: Sixteen Tools to Get You Through

Coping with Things You Think You Can’t Handle:

Sixteen Tools to Get You Through

I remember in eighth grade when the doctor told my mom, dad, and me that my baby brother Stephen had Down Syndrome. That day I had gotten out of school early and my dad took me with him to see the baby. As a result, I think I ended up hearing the news around the same time as my dad. It may have been the first time for my mom too. My memories of that moment are altered. Time was slow. I was watching my parents more than listening to the doctor. My mom was crying, my dad stoic. I heard things like trisomy 21 and mental retardation. Something shifted. The way my brain processed input was distorted for a while. I was 13 and completely overwhelmed.

We knew nothing about Down Syndrome (read more here http://www.ndss.org)

When dad and I got home, he told my sisters and brother. I remember that we all held each other and cried. We had no idea what this meant- at all. As it turns out, my bother Stephen is an amazing human being. Everyone who knows him loves him. It was going to be okay, even better than okay.

Stephen Cook

This was, however, one of my first experiences with unexpected, overwhelming, and soul-wrenching news that I honestly wasn’t sure I could handle. As life is the way it is there would be (and will be) more times like this.

For example, we moved many times when I was little, before the Internet and Facebook- back then- you literally lost many of your fiends when you moved. My grandparents have passed. My swim coach from middle and high school, a test pilot in the military, was suddenly killed in a plane crash. My high school boyfriend that I thought I would marry, wasn’t ready for that (and I found out the hard way). I left my first marriage. I have lost beloved pets. When I was pregnant with Maya, the doctors told us there was the possibility that she might have Down Syndrome (days later we found out that she didn’t). My mom very recently passed away due to pulmonary fibrosis. Life altering stuff has happened. And, this is not all of it (some things simply must be kept private and sometimes those ones are the hardest).

I am not special.

You have these moments too.

The hard part for me is that these are not discrete moments. It is not like they happen one moment and then they are gone, passed. Your life changes- forever. The result is prolonged periods of intense feeling and processing. I have experienced them to last many months- the hard ones much longer- during which there are penetrating, stop-you-in-your-tracks waves of powerful feelings. There are also waves of remembering the way things used to be and awareness of exactly how much things have changed. This contrast hits you, yeah it hits you, as a sharp, hard reminder of how your life has been forever altered. These hits are accompanied by images, thoughts, and breath-taking, literally breath-taking, waves of emotions.

The thoughts that run through my mind include these particularly hard ones, “I don’t know if I am ever going to feel okay again” and “I wonder if I will ever be authentically happy again.”

Here is the thing. Know that these questions do not signify reality (i.e. the truth is you are going to feel okay and happy again). Rather, they let you know where you are. They are signposts. When you see these signposts, you are in a hard place and you need support.

Here are some tips on how to get out of your hard place. These are not make-it-better tips. They are not escape tips. They are- THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH tips.

Rally your best self.

Research suggests that if you coach yourself with self-compassionate, caring encouragement using your own name, you providing self-support that can move you forward. This is how it works, “Catherine, I hear you saying that you are afraid that you will never feel okay again. I see your sadness. Remember, Catherine, you are strong. You have your breath and your practice. You have made it through hard times and learned and grown. Be present, feel, and breathe. You’ve got this.”

Look for those who have made it and lock your eyes on them.

By the time my brother Stephen had grown a bit and was doing well in school, my mom went back to school to get her teaching degree. Sharing the writing gene, she wrote about our family experiences and the birth of Stephen. She wrote about Stephens’ birth and meeting a woman who also had a son with Down Syndrome. Her name was Eileen Hyslop. Mom reached out to her. Eileen generously talked to my mom at length and later became her dear friend. That first day on the phone, my mom could barely hear what Eileen was saying because she just heard her laugh, from the belly, from the soul, an authentic, happy laugh. The sound of that laugh gave my mom hope. My mom thought for the first time, in a long time, that maybe she would, in fact, feel okay again and maybe, in fact, she would laugh, a real laugh again. Find those who have made it through and lock your eyes on them.

Let your friends and family be there.

The days after I told my partner of seven years that I was leaving were some of the hardest days of my life. I knew he deserved to be with someone who loved him completely and I knew I needed to leave. That did not mean that I didn’t love him very much. I did and leaving him was one of the hardest things I have even done. I was floored by the feelings that followed. One night, I felt as if I could not bear to exist. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t know if I could handle being present in all I was feeling. My dear friend Lissa came over to my place with a novel in hand. The television was off, no music, just me curled up on the couch and Lissa sitting on the chair next to me reading. I didn’t know the story. To this day, I have no idea what she was reading. Still, the sound of her voice and knowing I was not alone, got me through one of the hardest nights of my life. I will be forever grateful. Reach out to the people in your life, your sisters and brothers, family, good friends- those that won’t mind sitting and reading to you while you work on breathing.

Listen to the stories and perspectives of others.

This one was my daughter Chloe’s contribution. When I asked her what she does to get through the seemingly unbearable, she said she reaches out to others to get their perspective. She said that when she is too deep in something, she loses perspective and only sees one side. When she reaches out and listens, she hears other perspectives and possibilities. It has a balancing effect. She says it gets her closer to what is really happening and out of her reaction. I guess old souls can be 16 year-old girls. With a similar intention, the year I turned 40 I re-storied my whole life in a series of journals. I interviewed my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends and got their stories of my life. I detailed things that made no sense to me when I was little and asked very specific questions. All the notes are in journals that I still hold precious today. This process was incredibly healing and “self”-organizing. I learned so much about my own perceptions as well as the sides of stories that perhaps I could never have known or understood as a kid. Not surprisingly, I was out-and-out wrong about more than a few things. The whole process made me stronger, deeper, more connected and integrated.

Routine is your friend.

When my Grandpa Cook died it hit me hard. He was the first of my grandparents to pass. He meant a lot to me. He was a teacher to me on topics ranging from how to recover from an eating disorder to maintenance of healthy daily routines. I somehow felt safe just thinking about him digging around his garden, making insane smoothies, and sitting and reading. To get through his death, I stuck to my routine. I went to school. I went to work. I ran (no yoga yet in my life at this time). My routine was my anchor. I said to myself, “Work is still here,” “School is still here,” and “Daily runs are still here.”  Things had changed substantially and yet so much was going to stay the same. I found great comfort in that.

Use your planner, calendar, or other scheduling support technology.

In the research world, these are called cognitive prosthetics (or neuro-prosthetics). Considered a tool for improved functioning, technologies can help you “think” just as a prosthetic leg can help someone who has lost a limb walk. For example, researchers are exploring ways that technological tools can help those with Alzheimer’s function day-to-day. How does this relate? When we are completely overwhelmed, we are at high risk for flaking out. Under stress, your brain is flooded with stress hormones and there is actual risk for cognitive impairment. Use your tools and give your brain a break so that it can process what you are experiencing. You can enhance the process by adding in reminders to do deep breathing exercises or reminders of positive affirmations (e.g., an auto-reminder pops up to say, “You are stronger than you think you are. Breathe”). Technology is a powerful tool for mental health.

Let your feelings move through you and breathe- breathe deeply.

You can’t think your way out of some things. It is simply not possible. When someone dies, you can’t fix it, think about it differently, nothing like that. It is loss, pure loss. It can’t be fixed. You can try to think your way out of it- that path takes you into loops of rumination- because it doesn’t really work. The feelings demand to be felt. As they wave in, allow them. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart. Feel. Deepen your breath and stay present. These feelings are called emotions, e-motions- packets of energy and information (i.e., /e/) that move through you (i.e., /motion/). They tell us what matters. The remind us what is important. They move us. Allowing and presence is needed for integration and processing of what has happened. It’s a necessity. That said, take breaks. Alternate sessions of being totally and completely in it with periods of support, friends, and healthy distractions. When you are ready, allow again. That old saying is true, “In order to heal, we need to feel.”

Stay Sober.

There is another old saying (from Alcoholics Anonymous), “Nothing is so bad a drink won’t make it worse.” You don’t need to be an alcoholic to benefit from that wisdom. Your brain and soul need to be sober to process important things in your life. If you take yourself out with alcohol or drugs during the hard times, you rob yourself of the chance too honor the tragedy, loss, or important life event with pure, sober presence. Equally important, if you drink, or use, every time you start to feel, it is difficult, if not impossible to move forward. You get stuck. It bears repeating, that old saying is true, “In order to heal, we need to feel.”

Write, write, write.

Writing about hard times can help you heal (read a Psychology Today Piece here http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/write-yourself-well/201208/expressive-writing). James Pennebaker, as researcher on the mental health benefits of writing found that when individuals write about difficult events in their lives, include specific details, and integrate their emotional experiences, they experience increased physical and emotional well-being (read about James Pennebaker here http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2005/writing.html). For me, writing in my journal, writing a blog, or any writing at all are ways for me to move thoughts and ideas through me. I love giving seemingly free-floating emotions a home on a page- whether it be a webpage or a hand-made journal page. My emotions seem to do better with a good home. Write, write, write.

Seek out nature.

Nature is medicine. Researchers are confirming what we all already know: getting into nature is grounding, spiritually uplifting, and healthy. I believe so strongly in this that I run to a local waterfall on a regular basis. If I don’t get there once a week, I feel it in my body. I love hearing the water rush over the rocks. I love seeing the trees grow and shed their leaves, hearing the snow crunch under my feet in the winter, and smelling the flowers in the spring. I love the birds, squirrels, and ducks that live there. Once when we were in the midst of moving, I ran to the falls in a state of exasperation with the unpacking. Sweaty, exhausted, I walked up to see the falls, and rested my hands and chin on the safety fence. At that moment, I saw the most beautiful thing. A blue heron was standing at the base of the falls dipping his bill in the water and then looking up to the sky. Somehow, I knew in that movement that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t take a picture. I hold the image of that heron clearly in my memories embedded with feelings of calm security.

The two weeks of my mom’s death, I ran or walked down to Lyon’s Falls, the actual falls. I watched the water fall over the rocks. I made wishing stone stacks. I noticed the roots on trees and the moss on rocks. I felt the sand on my fingers and the softness of the sides of the riverbed under my feed. I breathed in the fresh, snow-tinged spring air, and I cried. Yep, nature heals.

The next possible thing.

When I was an undergraduate, I did not love to clean my apartment. I would be busy on swim team, school, and work and get over my head with housekeeping. One Saturday morning I woke up knowing I had to get my apartment in order. It had gone too far and something had to be done. I felt frozen by the sheer magnitude of what I had to accomplish. I asked myself, “Catherine, what is the next possible thing you can do?” I answered, “You can put your feet on the floor and get out of bed.” I answered myself, “Yes, yes that seems possible.” And so it began. I asked myself if I could get this cup, this one cup, to the kitchen sink and I answered myself that I could, in fact, do that. One little, tiny thing at a time, I got my apartment clean. This strategy has come to serve me in postpartum after a spinal headache and complicated recovery. It came to serve me for many, many days when I was terrified that I would not get tenure (I did). It served me writing my last book (e.g., “I can write this section, just this section”). In Alcoholics Anonymous they talk about one day at a time. For me, on some days, that is too big. I ask, “What is the next possible thing you can do?” That’s it. Do that.

Schedule pleasant events.

Since the 1980s, researchers have been documenting the benefits of scheduling pleasant events. It is important that you see the two aspects of this tool: (a) schedule, and (b) pleasant event. Each component is important. In fact, planning the pleasant event (e.g., a vacation) may have as much, or more, of a benefit than the actual pleasant event. Read the New York Times piece on the benefits of planning vacation http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/how-vacations-affect-your-happiness/?_r=0. Next, the pleasant event is- well- pleasant. You don’t need to earn it or deserve it. It is just healthy to do fun and nourishing things. I love to go for a run in nature or hike. I love to go in our hot tub. I love to cuddle in by the fireplace and write blogs. I love teaching yoga. I love group runs with friends. I love yoga trainings (my brother said that I need to admit this is yoga camp for grown-ups- I say training makes it sound legit). I plan “trainings” and travel. I have been saving for and planning a trip to Italy for almost 5 years. I hope to go this year, completely paid-for, no credit card debt, and learn to cook authentic Italian meals in all different regions. Just thinking about it makes me happy. (Go here for a list of pleasant events http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/er_handout_8.html)

Practice and all is coming.

When I found out my mom had Pulmonary Fibrosis, I deepened my yoga practice. I recall sobbing in savasana with Susan Fain, the yoga teacher, playing “Awaken My Soul” as she gently pressed my shoulders to the floor (thank God for towels over the eyes). Practice yoga, run, swim, or whatever physical practice centers you. The act of being in your body and moving is essential and powerful. Recall the section on emotions needing to move?  You need to move too. You move, the emotions move, and integration of even the hardest of stuff happens. Unlike substance use, a practice that allows you to feel your body and your feelings allows the impact of hard times move through you. Warning: each of these physical practices, if done with the wrong intention- can work just like alcohol or drugs. You can use your yoga, your running, your swimming to numb out the feelings- and if you do- well- re-read the section on staying sober. It’s not a step forward. So move- YES- and move with the intention of feeling and processing. Now, that will serve you.

Meditate.

Start mediating today so that when you need the skills you have them. During the last weeks of my mom’s life, we had the privilege of taking care of her. Thanks to Hospice and their wonderful care providers we were able to be at my parents’ home providing the care my mom needed. These times are so very important and hard. I was able to use the skills I have practiced for years- breathing, mantra, and focus- to stay present and experience all that there was to experience. You see, the more you meditate, the more you have a felt sense that everything really is going to be okay no matter what is happening. You have a felt sense that we are all one and that we all come from and go to the same place and that place is calm and full of love. Each day you practice you allow yourself to get a closer- not to believing this, but knowing it.

Allow.

I am not about acceptance. Maybe for some things- for others- no. There are things I do not and will not accept. However, I have found it to be good practice to allow. Allow others to be on their own path. Don’t let your judgment, your ideas, your concepts about where they should be and how they should be doing things to get in the way of love and presence. It has taken me a while to get to this and it is my practice. Allow. Allow. Allow. And then Love. Love. Love. I promise, you will not regret this.

Look for meaning.

This one takes a commitment to dharma- the concept that we were each born with a reason for being and it is our path to find our reason and express it. Seane Corn, a teacher of yoga, explains that the universe is our teacher- always. She says that our souls are placed here on Earth to learn and the life events that manifest as we move form day-to-day and year-to-year are there to be our teachers. In my life, I have a sense that the universe does not speak English, or any other human language for that matter. Rather, the universe speaks in symbols and energy. That means that the universe is not going to walk up to you and say, “Catherine, your brother Stephen was born to show you the beauty, love, and intelligence in all human beings.” Nope, I had to see, witness, share, experience, and value all of that. There were no words. Just Stephen.

So there you are: the sixteen tools. The way out is through and getting through can be manageable. It is not easy, but it can be simple- stay present and process- and know you and your beautiful life are worth the effort. Your ability to stay present and move through the experience is a way of honoring those involved.

It is a way of honoring the journey of your own soul.

I hope you choose the path of presence. You are stronger than you think and life is more beautiful than we can remember in the hard times.

The way out is through.

Namaste,

Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Yoga Bag

P.S. Love you Mom