A Cancun Resort Pool: A Complicated Poem

A Cancun Resort Pool: A Complicated Poem


Quiet softens her eyes to the pool floor as the anxious riser enters the water.
Anxiety welcomes him for a swim.
Each stroke a worry or a regret.

Striving has been awake for a while.
A girl and her father.
He sits, an unkind coach.
She pushes and pulls her way through through the pool- training.

Self-care stretches and gets ready for her swim.
A woman, two men work their way through laps.
Thoughtful.
Hearts pounding.
Breathing.
Quiet lifts her eyes to welcome them.

The Sun moves from the pool's edge to warm the waters more directly.

Routine’s alarm goes off.
Couples, with teens in bed,
or work-worries tucked tightly in their laptops,
bring coffee and stand in the pool.
Feet grounded.
Soft voices.

Fun begins to waken in the pool waves.
His soft morning giggles move through the water.
The Sun begins her dance on the pool water's peaks.

The children come.
Floaties because their feet don’t touch.
Fun looks up and smiles, laughs, climbs the stairs, and jumps into the water.
Splash.
Teens check their cell phones.
The bartenders arrive.

Addiction and Party take a  turn in their sleep.
Their wake up call is next.
Quiet looks for her book and her towel.
Fun pretends Addiction won’t come to the pool today.

It’s Complicated- invites everyone for a Margarita.
Everyone but Safe and Sober join.
Quiet pretends to drink and watches.

The pool-side bar fills.
Addiction is telling Fun a joke.
He doesn’t get it right.
No one notices that Quiet and Safety went to swim with dolphins.

Love watches Drunk yell at her kids as they dive-

— you are not supposed to dive.

Love sends Drunk a prayer.
Avoidance moves her seat.
Judgement stays to watch.

The group tours return.
Centered invites them for a nice swim.
The afternoon sun lights the other side of the pool's waves.

Fun is getting tired.
Addiction gets him a cup of coffee and a shot of tequila.

Safety returns with Nourishment.
They say it’s time for dinner.
Before drinking his shot, Fun decides to go to dinner.
Connection and Joy join for dinner.
Leaving the pool, they eat and share and laugh.

The pool-side bar closes.

Addiction and Tension go bar hopping.
So does Celebration.
We just got married.
We just got engaged.
25 years for us.

The pool empties.

Quiet comes to swim as the shade makes her way across the pool.

Solitude joins.

The water stills and cools.
The moon.
The stars.

 And Quiet lifts her eyes to welcome them.



Catherine Cook-Cottone

It’s not Hurt People who hurt people, it’s Hurting People

It’s not Hurt People who hurt people, it’s Hurting People

For some years, the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people” has helped me to understand the WHY of some of the experiences in my life and in this world. But, lately, somehow it seems too simple. 

Like this. I have met some amazing people who have been horribly hurt and they do not engage in consistent hurting of others. In fact, some of them live their lives teaching yoga in prisons, to victims of the sex trade, or to those suffering in other ways. They are thought-full, heart-full, safe and wonder-full to share time with. So, we know, for sure I know, that not all hurt people, hurt people. 

I think it is more nuanced. 

Hurt- is an adjective. It describes a state of a person- a hurt person. 

Hurting- can also be an adjective- but it’s verb-like. It is an active process- a hurting person. 

I think hurting people are more at risk for hurting others- it is an active process. Hurting happens when the hurt has trouble being-a-thing-that-has-happened and keeps being a-thing-that-is-happening.

Perhaps our most dangerous hurts are those we don’t even know are still hurting us. Those hurts create blind spots- the not-seeing-of-things that we erect grand defensive sculptures around. These defensive sculptures are built of rationalizations, righteousness, and reasons for why it is, or was, okay to behave the way we do. When we struggle like this- the hurt longs to speak- it wants to be heard and felt and processed. It’s a force. 

With an inherent drive to be expressed and no other options, the hurt lives in our behaviors. With no satisfying resolution or true validation, the hurts act themselves out over and over. And because we have erected great defensive walls around our hurts, we believe our behaviors are justified. 

And- that mess- is a self-perpetuating strategy for hurting over and over and over. 

The message -

(1) Feelings and hurts demand to be heard.
(2) The feelings and hurts that are not heard- demand voice in our actions.
(3) You will screw-up over and over and over until you listen.

To get beyond the hurting, we need to feel fully and openly. We need to sit with our feelings until we get to know them really well, intimately. We want to make friends with our feelings, seeing them as allies and messengers. We want be good listeners and holders of our own pain- so our feelings don’t demand voice in our actions.

When we do this, we get to know our hurts and our feelings. We learn the parts of feelings that are artifacts of our past, the parts that are right now and relevant to the current moment, the parts that are made of up our fears, and the parts that are concerns about the future. We listen. We learn. We see more clearly. Hurts and feelings that can be the messengers and allies they were meant to be, settle. With their job done, they rest.

The next time you hurt someone else or yourself, first, know you are lucky enough to be aware of what you are doing. Next, consider dropping the defenses and turn inward rather than blaming. Third, consider that the world does not need to be a certain way for you to not be hurting or hurtful—but maybe— just maybe-- you could be different in how you listen to and process your hurts and feelings, you can hold them, and you can effectively let them go. 

Maybe then you can stop being a hurting person and start being be one of those heart-full, hurt people who help people. And that is a badass way of being. 

Catherine Cook-Cottone, PhD, RYT-500

The Yoga Bag

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

I remember when I first took graduate work in the the field of mental health. I transitioned from memorizing psychology terms, classifications, and theories to learning the processes involved in mental illness, mental health, wellbeing, and healing.

A term I learned way back in the 1990s was boundaries. I had not considered such a thing-- that each person, entity, even agency has boundaries and the way that we co-exist without hurting each other or getting lost in each other is by knowing and keeping our boundaries.

The field of recovery in trauma and sexual abuse digs deep into boundaries. It is critical in re-setting or re-membering who you are after trauma and abuse. These boundaries are the edges of self. For some these edges have been betrayed, violated, or lost. For some, they never had a chance to establish themselves. In therapy, we work to re-discover and re-build them in the safety of a healthy relationship. It is really beautiful work.

Having and keeping healthy and functional boundaries is an ongoing process. It is required at home within the relationships we have with those we love and care for. It is required at work to make sure we work effectively and safely as a team. In each domain or your life, boundaries are an essential piece of living effectively in community—they are an essential aspect of connection.

As you work to set boundaries, it can become clear when a person or entity is not honoring boundaries. You can feel them push at your edges.

I always proceed with the assumption that the other does not, perhaps, know about boundaries as a concept (as I had not known years ago). Boundary conversations are not easy and often feel personal-- as in essence- we are talking about where each of us begins and ends. Still, it is good work to do and, like gardening, a constant work that is needed for us to flourish. Its also formative work- that is- as we work together to understand each others’ boundaries things might shift and move. When we work with each other and with love- those shifts and moves, like a lovely dance, can be creative beauty.

You can say, “Hey, I need to talk about x, y, and z and where my work (or self, or love) begins and ends and your work (or self, or love) begins and ends so we can work (or be and or engage) in harmony, safely, and effectively. Here are the places I feel our edges are unclear (add your edges stuff here).  When can you talk?”

Most people will honor this request. They will sit with you, connect and work to honor who you are-- and you will honor who they are-- and you will work together to honor the boundaries required for healthy wellbeing for both-- for all.

There will also be those who do not want to talk about boundaries for lots of reasons. Sometimes there will be those who do not hear you or want to hear you. There will be those who misunderstand you or misperceive your request. Some do not yet know. Some have no interest in boundaries. Some do not want to be bothered by boundaries or have the resources for keeping them. Some are too defensive, as they do not yet know who they are.

It is a process and we are all working on our own growth timeline. And so, we honor their path as we hold ours. No matter the response, remember-- it is always okay for you to do your boundary work. Always.

To you I say, hold good. Take time to figure out YOU. Find your edges- the healthy edges and work with those, the messy edges and clean up those, the not-yet-existing edges and build those—and your creative edges- those are the best and most beautiful—live those.  And know, in the process- your edges will bump up against others’ edges and with big loving-kindness-

…..do your boundary work.

Namaste,

Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Yoga Bag

The Risks of Contact

I have the flu. It’s spread by contact.

I caught something else. Inner conflict. It’s a bit like the flu- stuff comes in from the outside- through contact- and the fight, the somewhat invisible fight- goes on inside- the energies and ideas deemed as good waging war on the energies and ideas deemed as bad- like some kind of virus battling it all out.

I spent a week in contact.

Talking to people from around the world. Getting, owning, and sometimes abhorring my own privileges while at the same time angry at all I have had to work through for access. Embodying both the cause and effect of the problem.  

I made contact.

I spoke when it was hard and my voice was shaking. I exposed my self to the stuff that leads to inner conflict. I said things of which I was sure and unsure of in equal measure. I held hands and hearts and worked hard not to drop either or my own.

I worked hard to make contact.

I worked so hard to connect at one point someone had to hold me so I could reach and I did and I held on tight- my reach only possible through the support of others.

I got the flu. It is one of the risks of contact. 

I also got so much more I learned that if I put my hand out there someone will reach just as hard and we can connect. 

The flu was headed my way anyway. Probably got it on the plane or handing my passport over and taking it back. And I easily fall back into my privileged calling my doctor, using my insurance, and having access to my resources to get well.

But the other stuff- the other thing I caught- insight- the stuff of inner turmoil and growth. I don’t have doctors and insurance for that- this one is on me and I am letting it sink in and move me- move me to a better wiser place as a woman, mother, sister, and a sister in the sisterhood, and researcher. Eyes-wide, heart churning. The flu-I will recover. This other- bigger stuff- stay, please stay and make me better for it.

I made contact.

Catherine

The Yoga Bag

#heretobe

What have you been practicing for?

What have you been practicing for?

Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Yoga Bag

This is the question of the week, 

“If you wonder what you would have done to help the Underground Railroad, the tireless mission of the suffragettes, during the early years of the civil rights movement, or during the rise of the Nazi régime— 

know this- 

you are doing it now."

Consider, that you have been practicing for today.

Consider, that yoga practice is not a practice of getting really good at being really good on your mat.  I guess it can be. Not for me. I am practicing to be the person I hope for myself. To be silent now is to condone what is happening. To be in inaction now, is to yield to those who are in action. 

I grew up in the 1970s and 80s. As a military child, I lived all over this beautiful United States of America.

From coast-to-coast, I was raised to love and respect each of my neighbors as fellow Americans worthy of every human right.

The daughter of an English teacher, I was raised to admire scholars and poets for their ability to make art of their unmatchable paths in life- never wanting any one of us to be too like another as it would dull the magic, the beauty, the surprise inherent in our art and risk the vibrancy, the source-threads that make up the glorious tapestry that is the narrative of the United States of America.

I was raised to believe that the United States of America is the safe place for people who weren’t safe other places. That we are that great father and mother that hold out our arms for those who might be hurt or go hungry somewhere else.

I was raised to see the wonder that comes from this kind of open-hearted, open-armed love and acceptance that makes us all so much richer.

What I saw and heard yesterday was not the United States of America that I was raised to know and love. And I knew, in my heart, THIS is what I have been practicing for.

I am practicing to support my commitment to our work in Yogis in Service that connects all of us, from across this beautiful city of Buffalo and over oceans from the Middle East to Africa- in service of something bigger than anyone of us-- our love of and service in support of each other.  

I practice to be the change I want to see in this world and so that I will be strong enough to do it with grace.

I practice so that I don’t get tired, because I have a feeling this is going to take some time.

I practice because you can’t give what you don’t have. Only inner peace can support world peace.

I practice so that I am aware. So I can feel and see each and every thing that is happening.

I practice so that I have the courage to say, “No, this is not okay. This can’t happen. Not here. Not now.”

I practice because I believe in me and us.

Why do I practice?

So I can keep working on love no matter what. 

What are you practicing for? 

Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Yoga Bag

Tools for Preventing Vicarious Trauma

In the past few weeks of my travel, I have met some very wonderful people who are doing critical humanitarian work. Specifically, they work with refugees coming from the worst of conditions (i.e., war, terrorism, and more). They feel the pain of so many, everyday, all day.

We have been discussing the impact of vicarious trauma. This type of work exposes you to the trauma of others routinely. Often, you can only do your job, what your role entails-- when in truth so much more is needed. When you care, when you have a strong sense of mission- the gap between what you wish you could do to help and what is appropriate and required by your role is so big that you sometimes feel as if you might fall into it and not be able to come out. The feelings you take in everyday, you sometimes take them home, and sometimes- you feel as if they will live inside you forever. This experience can lead to burnout, yes; however it can also lead to vicarious trauma in which you begin to feel the same symptoms as those with whom you work (e.g., stress, overwhelm, hopelessness, and PTSD).

These amazing humanitarian workers (world changers by the way) often feel like there are few tools provided for, or taught to them to help them do two things:

·      Prevent the impact of vicarious trauma in the moment, and

·      Cope with vicarious trauma once it has landed in their bodies, hearts, and minds.

To help, I have created this list of tools for them (and for all of us). Please feel free to use this and share it. If you quote these tools please cite, Tools for Preventing Vicarious Trauma by Catherine Cook-Cottone (2017), The Yoga Bag, http://theyogabag.blogspot.com

Prevent Vicarious Trauma in the Moment

·      Stay aware that it is present. Know when it is happening, “What this person is saying to me right now is emotionally substantial. They are in pain. I see that. I feel that.”

·      Notice any drive to rescue them. Do you wish they were not feeling the way they feel? Now, remind yourself that feeling deeply is important and it is not up to you to decide what and when another person feels. In fact, you rescuing them from their feelings would not help them in the long run. Rather, you sitting powerfully and steady, validating their feelings, staying present and compassionate is powerful and enough.

·      Ground your feet on the floor and your hand(s) on the table or chair.

·      Imagine the emotional content moving through you and into the your notes from your pen, through your hands into the chair, or through your feet into the floor. Do not hold it in your body.

·      Breathe in a 1:2, inhale to exhale ratio. Know that the breath will help the emotions and trauma continue to move through you and ground.

·      See the bigger space, visualize all of the space around the person allowing the emotional content of the room to have a grand space to diffuse the intensity into (from Kelly Boys at http://kellyboys.org).

·      Ride the wave of the emotion. Instead of getting lost in it, imagine you are riding on the wave as it intensifies and grounds (Cook-Cottone, 2015).

·      Take short reliefs or distractions from the intensity of the experience, briefly look away or down. Allow yourself to move in and out of the depth of the moment.

·      As you speak to the person, think, “I wish this person in front of me to be free from pain and suffering.” (for some it is helpful to say a prayer).

·      Have a reminder on your desk or on your person of your “Why?”- a reminder of the reason you do what you do (a photograph, a word, etc.).

·      Take time between each client to clear your space. You might create a ritual of walking to a green/peaceful space, saying a blessing, washing your hands and putting on lotion- something to clear the space for you and the next person.  (see next step).

·      As you place your clients’ files away, imagine that you are also holding the traumas and worries in the files and storing them safely and confidentially in the file storage area (and not in your body, heart or mind). I sometimes tell my clients that is exactly what I do. “I hold these concerns and traumas in my office for you, so that you can let them go too.”

Before and After Care

·      At the end of the day ground the feelings you are struggling to allow to move through you, into a journal, a box, or something else that is a concrete, tangible holding place. Add artifacts, stories, drawings to your journal or box for safe-keeping. Close this box or journal when you are done and tie it up with a string and put it someplace contained (a closet). Allow this box or journal to hold your worries and concerns for you.

·      Balance work and rest. Balance means they have equal weight. Be honest with yourself.

·      Take your vacations and sick days. Seriously, do it!

·      Allow humor and positive emotions to be part of your life. In fact, if they are not there, seek them out for balance. Keep reminding yourself of the joy!

·      Engage in a routine of self-care Practices (see Mindful Self-Care Scale; Cook-Cottone & Guyker here- http://gse.buffalo.edu/about/directory/faculty/cook-cottone- scroll for short and long-form of the scale).

·      Do self-compassion meditations often (see Kristin Neff at http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/)

·      Connect with people who lift you up and help you relax you while doing things not associated with work- seriously- not one bit associated with work.

·      Make sure your activities and play outside of work preserve your sense of identity outside of work. Who are you when you are not at work?  (Do you do yoga? Are you into painting? Do you have a favorite band? Do you love world music? What are your hobbies?…).

·      Use supervision (peer and hierarchical) to process your experiences.

·      Add nurturing and caring features to your workspace (paintings, comforts in the restroom [lotions], fresh water cooler, a well stocked tea break area, plants, soft music, etc.).

·      Connect with management and your team for an ongoing assessment of workload. Confront this gently, but with honesty for each other.

·      Include time to share success stories and moments when you felt your mission was lived in meetings and staff community time.

·      Provide/offer opportunities for non-counseling work (workers give workshops to others, teach yoga to clientele, do web development, keep a workplace garden, etc.).

Try all of this and I promise you will begin to feel better. Share the stuff that works. You are doing import work and we don't want to lose you to burnout, stress, or vicarious trauma. 

For more see Cook-Cottone (2015) Mindfulness and Yoga for Self-Regulation. Springer, NY.

Take good care of your self, so you can take care of others- You can’t give what you do not have.

Much love,

Catherine

The Yoga Bag

If you quote these tools please cite, Tools for Preventing Vicarious Trauma by Catherine Cook-Cottone (2017), The Yoga Bag, http://theyogabag.blogspot.com