The Importance of Setting Boundaries

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

I remember when I first took graduate work in the the field of mental health. I transitioned from memorizing psychology terms, classifications, and theories to learning the processes involved in mental illness, mental health, wellbeing, and healing.

A term I learned way back in the 1990s was boundaries. I had not considered such a thing-- that each person, entity, even agency has boundaries and the way that we co-exist without hurting each other or getting lost in each other is by knowing and keeping our boundaries.

The field of recovery in trauma and sexual abuse digs deep into boundaries. It is critical in re-setting or re-membering who you are after trauma and abuse. These boundaries are the edges of self. For some these edges have been betrayed, violated, or lost. For some, they never had a chance to establish themselves. In therapy, we work to re-discover and re-build them in the safety of a healthy relationship. It is really beautiful work.

Having and keeping healthy and functional boundaries is an ongoing process. It is required at home within the relationships we have with those we love and care for. It is required at work to make sure we work effectively and safely as a team. In each domain or your life, boundaries are an essential piece of living effectively in community—they are an essential aspect of connection.

As you work to set boundaries, it can become clear when a person or entity is not honoring boundaries. You can feel them push at your edges.

I always proceed with the assumption that the other does not, perhaps, know about boundaries as a concept (as I had not known years ago). Boundary conversations are not easy and often feel personal-- as in essence- we are talking about where each of us begins and ends. Still, it is good work to do and, like gardening, a constant work that is needed for us to flourish. Its also formative work- that is- as we work together to understand each others’ boundaries things might shift and move. When we work with each other and with love- those shifts and moves, like a lovely dance, can be creative beauty.

You can say, “Hey, I need to talk about x, y, and z and where my work (or self, or love) begins and ends and your work (or self, or love) begins and ends so we can work (or be and or engage) in harmony, safely, and effectively. Here are the places I feel our edges are unclear (add your edges stuff here).  When can you talk?”

Most people will honor this request. They will sit with you, connect and work to honor who you are-- and you will honor who they are-- and you will work together to honor the boundaries required for healthy wellbeing for both-- for all.

There will also be those who do not want to talk about boundaries for lots of reasons. Sometimes there will be those who do not hear you or want to hear you. There will be those who misunderstand you or misperceive your request. Some do not yet know. Some have no interest in boundaries. Some do not want to be bothered by boundaries or have the resources for keeping them. Some are too defensive, as they do not yet know who they are.

It is a process and we are all working on our own growth timeline. And so, we honor their path as we hold ours. No matter the response, remember-- it is always okay for you to do your boundary work. Always.

To you I say, hold good. Take time to figure out YOU. Find your edges- the healthy edges and work with those, the messy edges and clean up those, the not-yet-existing edges and build those—and your creative edges- those are the best and most beautiful—live those.  And know, in the process- your edges will bump up against others’ edges and with big loving-kindness-

…..do your boundary work.

Namaste,

Catherine Cook-Cottone

The Yoga Bag

Are you seen?

Are you seen?

This post is about the times when you are not seen. You do not feel felt. You feel alone in your triumph and/or your fear. It just feels like no one sees you at all.

This happens to Zuri, a lot. You can read about her experience (i.e., Zuri’s Story) and then read the processing after (i.e., The Process).

Zuri’s Story

It was raining outside. Zuri could hear the rain hitting the window glass and felt the coldness stealing in through the cracks in the old paned, school windows. The room was nearly silent. The rain, the shuffling of students in their seats, and her teacher’s heels click, click, click, click, click, click, down the isles, weaving around desks. Zuri was staring out the window. She sees a sparrow on the windowsill. It seems as if the little bird sees her. He tilts his head. Zuri tilts hers.

It was the pre-algebra test results. It was a hard exam and Zuri has felt over her head since September. She studies and goes to the library after school to look up math help online. She wishes she was one of those kids who could afford a tutor. She wishes she was one of those kids whose parents helped them.

She wishes she was…someone else. She even wishes she was that little sparrow. Maybe she could fly away.

Click, click, click, click, heels on the floor, paper after paper on students’ desks.

Yeah, she wishes that she was someone else. She watches the sparrow fly from the windowsill, struggling in the rain, and still flying away. “Fly, little one fly,” she thought. “Fly.”

Mrs. Connor stopped at her desk. She placed her paper face-side down on her desk. Mrs. Connor held her hand on the paper and looked right into Zuri’s eyes. Zuri did that thing she does that postpones tears. She blinks so tears can’t collect in her eyes. “God,” she thought. “Just get it over with.”

“Nice job Zuri,” Mrs. Connor says. “Best grade in the class. You’ve been doing the work and it shows. Good work.”

“What?” Zuri wasn’t sure she heard right. Just in case she smiled and thought “What?”

Mrs. Conner moved on and Zuri flipped over the paper. There it was 98% an A. Zuri’s heart pounded and she had to start blinking again so that she would not full-on cry. Only this time, it was because she was so happy.

She could not wait for school to be done. She could not wait to show her mom. Her mom was going to see this paper and wrap her arms around Zuri and pick her right up off of the floor. Her mom was going to be so proud.

I see Zuri practically running home from school. She is so excited. Her mom had half day at work so Zuri knew she would be home. I see Zuri running thru the big front door into the house. She slows a bit. The house is dark, shades are drawn, and the TV is on. She can hear it. She turns the bend from the kitchen into the TV room. Nervously, Zuri peers in. The room is filled with the smell of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol. Ugh, she can barely breathe.

Zuri’s mom is curled up on the couch, blankets around her. There is an infomercial on the TV, loud, something about weight loss. I see Zuri’s eyes get big.

“Mom?” she whispers. “Mom, you okay?” She touches her mom’s shoulder.

“Oh, hey, Zuri, you home from school already? What time is it?” Zuri’s mom turns to check her phone and falls off the couch. She’s drunk. Zuri helps her back on the couch.

Ignoring what just happened, her Mom says, “What’s going on ZuZu?”

“Nothing” Zuri says.

“How was school?”

“Well, if you really want to know, I had a sort of great day. I got a test back from Mrs. Connor, my Pre-Algebra teacher. I got the best grade in the class. I got an A.”

Her mom doesn’t respond. She has dozed off.

“Mom? Mom? Did you hear me?”

“Sure honey. That’s great. You got to play.” She dozes off again.

“No. Mom.” Zuri says to no one as she walks out of the room. “I got an A. Best grade in the class. Yay.”

Zuri walks into the kitchen and starts making dinner for Eric and Rashan. Her mom wasn’t going to do it. Her brothers would be home soon, hungry.

Later, Zuri had finished dinner, cleaned the kitchen, packed lunches (she calls them ‘make-do lunches’ cause…., well, you know) and finished her homework.  She decides to dig through the yoga bag and flip through the yoga notes. Her eyes land on a class I teach every few months. It is titled, “You are the one who tries. You are the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

Lying on her back, she places the soles of her feet together (just like in my drawings). She places one hand on her heart and one hand on her belly. She closes her eyes. She whispers, “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

In my notes, I explain that our efforts are between our souls and ourselves. For some, the soul is a reflection of God. For others it’s a drop of the universe within. For all of us, it is our soul, our God, that sees our work. No matter how drunk your mom might be or how invalidating any one person, or all the people in your life, may be-- your soul knows that you tried and that is all that matters.

I see her breathing. I see the very slight upward turn at the corners of her mouth. I see a peacefulness fall over her face. Again she thinks, “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

The Process

External validation is critical. It is so critical that there have been entire interventions built around invalidating environments as a core principle (see Dialectic Behavioral Therapy; Linehan, 1993, http://www.behavioraltech.com/index.cfm). In fact, the neurological location in the brain that feels physical pain is the same area at which we feel social rejection (http://www.ucp.pt/site/resources/documents/ICS/GNC/ArtigosGNC/AlexandreCastroCaldas/15_EiJaLiNa06.pdf)* We need to be seen by, included with, and accepted by others.

It actually hurts when we are not.

But what if it is just not in your cards to be seen today, or for lots of days, or even for big chunk of your childhood? What then?

There is an emerging concept/practice in psychology called Self-Validation (see http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200810/the-power-be-vulnerable-part-2-3). There is still lots of research needed and a lot of what is talked about now is about loving yourself even when you make a mistake. Still the essence of this is that we can be validating for ourselves. We don’t need the world to validate our efforts (although it would be super awesome if it did).

So lie on your back. Place the soles of your feet together. Close yours eyes. Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Breathe in and out. Say “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

Because truly, that is all that matters.

I see you Zuri,

Catherine

*An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection

Naomi I. Eisenberger a,*, Johanna M. Jarcho b,*, Matthew D. Lieberman b, Bruce D. Naliboff c,d

a Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, University of California, Los Angeles, CA, USA
b Department of Psychology, Franz Hall, University of California, Los Angeles, CA, USA
c Center for Neurovisceral Sciences and Women’s Health, David Geffen School of Medicine, University of California, Los Angeles, USA d VA Greater Los Angeles Healthcare System, Los Angeles, CA, USA

Received 21 March 2006; received in revised form 8 May 2006; accepted 19 June 2006

Abstract

Recent evidence points to a possible overlap in the neural systems underlying the distressing experience that accompanies physical pain and social rejection (Eisenberger et al., 2003). The present study tested two hypotheses that stem from this suggested over- lap, namely: (1) that baseline sensitivity to physical pain will predict sensitivity to social rejection and (2) that experiences that heighten social distress will heighten sensitivity to physical pain as well. In the current study, participants’ baseline cutaneous heat pain unpleasantness thresholds were assessed prior to the completion of a task that manipulated feelings of social distress. During this task, participants played a virtual ball-tossing game, allegedly with two other individuals, in which they were either continuously included (social inclusion condition) or they were left out of the game by either never being included or by being overtly excluded (social rejection conditions). At the end of the game, three pain stimuli were delivered and participants rated the unpleasantness of each. Results indicated that greater baseline sensitivity to pain (lower pain unpleasantness thresholds) was associated with greater self-reported social distress in response to the social rejection conditions. Additionally, for those in the social rejection conditions, greater reports of social distress were associated with greater reports of pain unpleasantness to the thermal stimuli delivered at the end of the game. These results provide additional support for the hypothesis that pain distress and social distress share neurocog- nitive substrates. Implications for clinical populations are discussed.
Ó 2006 International Association for the Study of Pain. Published by Elsevier B.V. All rights reserved.

Feeling Fat, Huge, and Gross

Feeling Fat, Huge, and Gross

This blog entry is about feeling fat. Carefully dissect the two words.

(1) Feeling— an emotional state or reaction; it is a feeling, not a fact….yeah, it is a feeling- you are feeling, not taking up literal space, but feeling.

(2) Fat—big, the best or richest part; abounding in desirable elements; rich; having an abundance or amplitude; well-stocked.

Together that can be a great thing- emotion- and the best and richest part, abundance.

Thing is, sometimes we are feeling a lot. And it FEELS like it is us. It FEELS like we are big. Likely what we are feeling is big, overwhelming, too much, too rich, over the top, and/or something we are not used to and do not like.

To be clear, feeling fat and being clinically overweight are not the same thing and should be treated differently.

If your doctor has told you you are clinically overweight, I am sure your doctor has counseled you to eat healthy and exercise once a day (or something like that). This is good advice. I am also sure you doctor did NOT tell you to hate and judge yourself.

This blog entry is about feeling fat. You will hear from Zuri (i.e., Zuri’s Story) how this happens in Zuri’s life and then The Process in which I will link to you resources and explain things a bit.

Zuri’s Story

Zuri feels fat, huge, and gross.

Things are overwhelming. It is October and lots of things are due at school. The pressure is on. Eric (her older brother) seems to be going to school. Still, he is a constant worry. Rashan (her little brother) was sick. Zuri missed 4 days of school staying home with him. It wasn’t really her choice to stay home. Her mom said she had no more sick days left at work. So, Zuri needed to take care of Rashan.

And another thing happened earlier today. The whole day was hard. Her friends seemed to be excluding her-- or were too busy for her --or forgot about her. And she was waiting in line, for lunch on her own. Zuri was sort of sad and a little lonely. Then she felt it.

You know when you feel like someone is looking at you? She had that feeling. She looked back and there were the 8^th graders. The 8^th graders that everyone was nervous about. The 8^th graders who were acting out and had no sense of their own feelings let alone anyone else’s. Those kids. Those exact kids were right behind her and looking at her.

“Ugh,” she started breathing. She said to herself, “Breathe, Zuri, breathe. Ignore them. Pretend they are not there.”

“Hey Zuri. Hey Zuuuurrrrrriiiii!” one boy said.

“Hey fat girl. What you got on your plate? Those potatoes Zuri?” a girl said.

“Why your pants so tight girl?” the other boy said.

Zuri started blinking her eyes. When she was little, she learned that if you blink your eyes you can keep tears from falling down your face. She didn’t turn around either. She didn’t answer.

“Why you so hungry girl? You mama don’t feed you?” the first boy said.

“I saw your mom at the club last night. Was she so drunk, she forgot to make your lunch?” the girl said.

That was it. She dropped her tray and ran to the bathroom. None of her friends were around, not now, not all day. She felt so huge and her heart ached. It physically hurt.

Flash forward—Zuri’s home. She’s looking in the mirror. She feels fat, huge, horrible, and gross.

I see her. She is not huge or fat. She is a healthy girl. I am sure that the last time she was at the doctor’s office her BMI was right within the normal weight range. What she is feeling is not about extra weight. It’s not about pounds anyway.

The truth is, those 8^th graders weren’t teasing her about her weight. They were teasing her because she is BIG. She is going to be something in this world. She already is. She already affects people deeply. Other kids know when they are around her that they around someone special, someone BIG. She does not get this. I wish I could tell her.

She digs into her big box and finds her yoga bag. She finds my notes and looks for something to distract her. I am praying she finds the right page, the page that will explain it all to her. She keeps flipping through my yoga notes. Page after page flips by, nothing catching her yes.

Then, she stops. She stops because I wrote in all caps, “BE HUGE. BE AS BIG AS YOU CAN BE.” She stops right there and she reads.

It is a class that I taught on January 1^st. It was about goals. I, on purpose, challenged the students to re-evaluate their new year’s resolutions. I knew that there were students in the room who had resolved to lose weight in the new year, to essentially be smaller. I challenged them to abandon those misguided goals. I challenged them to consider trying to be BIGGER. To try to take up more space in their worlds, to have an impact. We should not spend our time being smaller.

We should spend our time finding our life purpose, our soul’s intended journey.

You see, when our life purpose has voice and expression, we become less compulsive in our unhealthy habits. Getting smaller, food restriction, eating, shopping, drinking, all that--  are no longer drives. They are not necessary.

Zuri read all of this. She set down the journal and walked to the mirror. She walked until she was really close to the mirror. Her breath was fogging the mirror. She looked into her own eyes. She saw her beautiful brown irises. She saw light brown, dark brown, and deep brown lines radiating from her pupils. She thought, “My eyes are sort of beautiful.”

Zuri stepped back and looked at her whole face. She saw the gentle roundness of her forehead, cheeks, and chin. She saw her cheekbones rise and the hope, yeah, she saw the hope in her eyes. She saw something  else there too. It was big. She looked deeply and saw her eyes and in her eyes, her dreams and everything she is up to. Zuri was starting to get it.

She stepped back, yet another step, and saw her shoulders, her feminine shape, her hips, her legs, and she had to admit, her cute outfit that her Aunt Jasmine bought her at the mall.

She was just right.

She was not fat—whatever that is supposed to mean in the pejorative (the negative sense of the word). She was not anything but right where she needed to be. She lifted her chin, set her eyes, and looked in the mirror. Then, as if she was her own best coach, she said, “You’ve got this Zuri. You are beautiful in your dreams and your big love. You’ve got this!”

The Process

We spend so much time on the physical. We break others and our own selves down as we compare ourselves to external ideals or unrealistic, airbrushed expectations. It’s an easy target, much easier than looking into our own souls and asking if we are following our life path, our Dharma

Dharma is defined as http://www.thefreedictionary.com/dharma:

a. The principle or law that orders the universe.

b. Individual conduct in conformity with this principle.

c. The essential function or nature of a thing.

I believe that we fall out of alignment with the universe and our dharma when we focus on judging our bodies, food restriction, and size reduction.

It is an empty journey.

Yes, it is an empty journey. One that Zuri has avoided. So many kids face weight-related teasing and bullying. They deal with it by going on a diet. Some of those move to eating disorder risk and of those, some go on to develop eating disordered behaviors (see Diane Neumark-Sztainer’s work below). *

In my research and private practice, I have worked for nearly 2 decades to prevent and treat eating disorders. I have watched young men and women, boys and girls respond to the stress of school, work, teasing or comments, and the pressures of our media-oriented culture by trying to change their body shape or weight. This is because it is hard address our stress, question the motives of those who are teasing and bullying, and to challenge our media ideals. It is hard, but it is what must be done.

Educate yourself on the issue. Be on your path and in your purpose. And do not, DO NOT EVER work to be smaller. BE YOUR BIGGEST! BE HUGE!

Take a few minutes. Look into the mirror and see deeply into your own eyes. In your eyes, see your dreams (look deeply). Then, step back and see the beauty in your own face. Step back once more and see how gorgeous you really are in your whole body, in the wholeness of your dharma, and in the full expression of your soul.

To learn more bout media check out these links:

http://www.about-face.org

http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/documents/FromAwarenesstoPrevention.pdf

http://www.cmch.tv/mentors_teachers/lp_body_image.asp

Also, I have addressed these issues in my books-

http://theyogabag.blogspot.com/p/catherines-books.html

Girls Growing in Wellness and Balance: Yoga and Life Skills to Empower

Cook-Cottone, Kane, Keddie, & Haugli

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Growing-Wellness-Balance-Empower/dp/0615737609

Healthy Eating in Schools: Evidence-based Interventions to Help Kids Thrive

Cook-Cottone, Tribole, & Tylka 

http://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4317303.aspx

* http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2002-01808-003

Weight-teasing among adolescents: Correlations with weight status and disordered eating behaviors.

Neumark-Sztainer, D.; Falkner, N.; Story, M.; Perry, C.; Hannan, P. J.; Mulert, S.

International Journal of Obesity, Vol 26(1), Jan 2002, 123-131.

This study assessed the prevalence of perceived weight-teasing and associations with unhealthy weight-control behaviors and binge eating in 4,746 middle school adolescents. The Ss completed surveys and anthropometric measurements. There were statistically significant associations between perceived weight-teasing and weight status; both overweight and underweight youth reported higher levels of teasing than average weight Ss. Very overweight youth (body mass index > 95th percentile) were most likely to be teased about their weight; 63% of very overweight girls, and 58% of very overweight boys reported being teased by their peers, while weight-teasing by family members was reported by 47% of these girls and 34% of these boys. Youth who were teased about their weight, particularly overweight girls, reported that it bothered them. Perceived weight-teasing was significantly associated with disordered eating behaviors among overweight and nonoverweight girls and boys. For example, among overweight youth, 29% of girls and 18% of boys who experienced frequent weight-teasing reported binge-eating as compared to 16% of girls and 7% of boys who were not teased. It is concluded that educational interventions and policies are needed to curtail weight-related mistreatment among youth. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all rights reserved)

The Pathway to Happiness: Develop Your Own 12 Easy Practices

The Pathway to Happiness: Develop Your Own 12 Easy Practices

According to research (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/04/10/5-reliable-findings-from-happiness-research/) and a lot of yogis, happiness isn’t something  you can win in the lottery. That includes the lottery at the convenient store and the big lottery of life. Nope, for the most part it is not a game of chance or something lucky that some people get and others don’t.

Happiness is a journey of purpose, intention, and a daily practice.

In a beautiful piece written by Hillari Dowdle titled, “The Path to Happiness,” (http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2565) she describes the Yoga Sutras as a kind of a map—a map with signposts guiding you through asana (yoga postures), meditation, as well as specific attitudes and behaviors. These signposts help you navigate your own path to happiness and contentment.  

Essentially, you can transform your life with the practices laid out in the Yoga Sutras.  You have to seek out and practice happiness- you need to cultivate it.

This blog entry describes Zuri’s efforts to find happiness (see About the Yoga Bag page on this blog to learn more about Zuri). Following Zuri’s story (Through Zuri's Eyes), you will find The Process—the whole thing is explained, citations are provided (the 12 practices are there).

Through Zuri’s Eyes

Zuri is 13 years old. She is young and the future is right there, right in front of her, and anything is possible. Zuri is a collector of all things happy. She keeps a big tattered box in her closet filled with artifacts, trinkets, books, The Yoga Bag, all sorts of things that she associates with happiness.

Zuri figured it out a long time ago that happiness is not something lucky. It is not something that falls from the sky. It doesn’t come from winning $50 at church bingo or the drug store lottery. She has seen this sort of fleeting happiness before. She has seen it in her mom. Fleeting happiness comes with real highs and real lows.

Once, her mom won the big church bingo, the big $5,000 one. Her mom was high as a kite, through the roof, and over the top happy. They had the best groceries --ever-- for a week: cold cuts, apples, and the expensive lunch box, individually packaged bags of goldfish crackers (only the kids whose parents had good jobs had these). After the groceries were stowed in the cupboard, their mom was gone. She went to the casino in Niagara Falls with her last $1,000. They didn’t see her for 3 days. She came back with no money, said she was sick, and laid in bed for 2 more days. Zuri had to feed Rashan, get him to school, and Eric took off until the next Sunday.

Zuri wasn’t looking for money. Nope, happiness wasn’t there.

Zuri believes that she can accumulate little pieces of happiness. In her things-that-make-her-happy box she has all sorts of happiness things. She collects these trinkets, these drops of happiness like a magical  piggy bank of mystical, copper pennies. Each penny drops in, clunk, getting her closer the critical account balance that will signal that she has enough, that she will be happy, a real steady never-going-away, smile-when-you-wake-up-- happy.

Zuri believes in the possibility of happiness like some kids believe in magic, ghosts, or the Long Island Medium. Like that. That is how Zuri believes in happiness.

A long time ago when her mom was at a conference (her mom was sober then too), she bought Zuri this awesome book, “Amelia to Zora: Twenty-six Women Who Changed the World” by Cynthia Chin-Lee and Illustrated by Megan Hasley and Sean Addy (To buy see http://www.amazon.com/Amelia-Zora-Cynthia-Chin-Lee/dp/1570915237/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380654591&sr=8-1&keywords=amelia+to+zora).   

Zuri read about the pilot Amelia Earhart (1897-1937). She read about Dolores Huerta (1930-) who co-founded the United Farm Workers (UFA). She read about Cecelia Payne-Gaposchikin (1900-1980) an astronomer and first woman professor at Harvard University. She read how Delores started stargazing with her mother as a little girl. And best, best of all, she learned about Zora, Zora Neale Hurston (1891-1960).

Of course Zuri has a soft spot for all people whose names start with Z. Zora Neale Hurston (learn more about Zora here-- http://zoranealehurston.com/) was a writer and an anthropologist who wrote on race and folklore and celebrated African American heritage. Zora had real roots in places like Zuri’s places. Somehow Zora got through it and wrote books, got web pages dedicated to her, and received honors.

As cited in Chin-Lee’s book, Zuri read Zora’s words- “I know that nothing is destructible: things merely change forms…..Why fear? The stuff of my being is matter, ever moving but never lost.”

Zuri loves to hold strong, successful women in her mind as guideposts, as role models, as promises that things can be better. Like Zora, Zuri hopes that she can do anything she sets her mind to. Even though Amelia to Zora is a kid’s picture book, Zuri loves to flip through the pages seeing the photos and reading through the stories of strong woman after strong woman. These images and stories give her peace, give her hope, and are one of her favorite parts of her happiness collection.

As Zuri thinks about how she is making her way, she realizes that she has collected a lot of little happiness things in her big box. Today she notices that she is also doing something else. You see there are lots habits that she is cultivating that give her peace, help her feel love, and steady her happiness.

Flipping through the pages of inspirational women is one of her practices. Another is digging through The Yoga Bag reading notes, finding yoga poses to practice, and wondering about the mysteries in the bag. There is more. She has also come to love the breath work. When she gets stressed or sad, she lays on her bed with one hand on her heart and one on her belly (like she read about in The Yoga Bag). She feels her heart beat in synchrony with her breath. She has come to realize that focusing on her slow, deep breath helps her to feel a sense of peace, a sense of peace that floods through her body. She has been steadily building all of these practices and is becoming aware of their positive impact. They seem to make her happy

She wants more ways to feel happiness and contentment. Digging through the yoga bag she finds my notes on the Yamas. She reads about ahimsa (non-harming), satya (truthfulness), asteya (non-stealing), brahmacharya (moderating the senses), and aparigraha (non-possessiveness). She loves this! It matches what she has seen and what she knows from her life. It reads like truth. 

1.     Ahimsa- non-harming- She reads that this means being kind, forgiving and accepting of yourself and others. This is how she and Emily (her best friend) made up. This was her practice.

2.     Satya (truth)- ahhhh, this is Zuri’s dream to have complete truth in her life. With her mom’s drinking and her brother’s struggles, it seems as if there are always lies, misrepresentations, and cover ups. Zuri longs for truth. She loves this one.

3.     Asteya (non-stealing). If Eric (her brother) would follow this, Zuri would not have to worry about him all of the time. She worries about Eric and his friends breaking into cars, getting in trouble, and thinking it is fun or daring. Sadly, it is how she got The Yoga Bag, Eric’s stealing. Eric already lost Thomas to the stealing, law breaking crowd. She longs for Asteya too.

4.     Brahmacharya (moderation of the senses). There is really no need for her to even think about this one. It is automatic love for Zuri. My notes explain that this leads to freedom from dependencies and cravings. She imagines what her life would be like if there was no such thing as alcohol or drugs or any of that. She imagines a life free of these dependencies. She imagines her mom quitting drinking. I see her eyes start to fill with tears as she imagines. Thinking about this is sad in some ways. Maybe her mom will never quit. Maybe her mom will quit. Maybe….. lots of maybes.

5.     Aparigraha (non-possessiveness). This is Zuri’s struggle. She wants what everyone else seems to have. She feels like what she has is nowhere near enough. She wishes that Mrs. Klein and Miss Ely were her moms. She wishes that Emily’s parents were her parents. Sometimes after playing with Emily, she cries herself to sleep. Ugh, she wants. She wants and wants and wants. My notes say that possessiveness is “anxiously holding and grasping for more.” Zuri sees herself in those words. She knows this will be her practice. She thinks that if she could get this one down— happiness—would be much more present in her life.

Zuri is glad to be reading the yoga sutras. She feels more strongly than ever that there is a way to real, steady happiness. Curled up on her bed and drawing lotus flowers in her journal, a little smile on her face, she believes, even more, in happiness.

The Process

In the Yoga Sutras, Pantanjali reviews the five yamas that can help you transform negative energy into an abiding sense of peace (See Yoga International- Yoga Philosophy Basics: The 5 Yamas-- http://yogainternational.com/article/view/yoga-philosophy-basics-the-5-yamas).

Happiness researchers agree. True lasting happiness is something you cultivate with a variety of practices (see  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/happiness-research).

Like in the Buddhist conceptualization of the lotus flower (http://buddhists.org/buddhist-symbols/the-meaning-of-the-lotus-flower-in-buddhism/), no matter our beginning we can grow to cultivate happiness.

I don’t think Zuri is too far off with her beat-up old card board box full of things that make her happy and I know she is right on track with her happiness practices.

Consider integrating a few happiness practices into your life:

1.     Gratitude Journaling- write down three things you were grateful for each day.

2.     Collect role models- keep captions, quotes, and photos, of people who are up to great things. Keep them in a scrapbook of inspiration. Find people who have moved through challenges that you have struggled with, read their memoirs.

3.     Self-care- eat well, hydrate, exercise, and rest each day, every day (you’d be surprised how powerful this one is).

4.     Don’t drink so much (see the yamas)- alcohol is a central nervous system depressant (you’d be surprised with this one too).

5.     Schedule pleasant events- have something you are looking forward to always. If you don’t right now.... Schedule something (coffee with a friend, a movie, a hike).

6.     Tell someone you love that you love him or her and why you love him or her. Do it now. 

7.     Forgive and let go (see the yamas). If you are holding anger, you are only holding yourself back from happiness. Process it and let it go.

8.     Laugh. Do laughter yoga, tell jokes, put your head on your friend's belly and fake laugh until you are really laughing, try to do handstand on your front lawn. Fall on purpose. Laugh.

9.     Watch the movie Elf, even when it’s not holiday time (or any movie like that, that makes you remember what is important.

10. Be in your honesty (see the yamas). Telling the truth feels good.

11. Let go what of what you need to let go (see yamas- non-possessiveness). In the clenched fist, the sand is lost.

12. Pray. Pray to your God, your spiritual deity, and/or meditate (find your mala beads and do it). Cultivating your spirituality will make you happier.

Yep. Happiness is like self-love. Either you practice it or you don’t.

I say, practice happiness.

Namaste,

Catherine