Are you seen?

Are you seen?

This post is about the times when you are not seen. You do not feel felt. You feel alone in your triumph and/or your fear. It just feels like no one sees you at all.

This happens to Zuri, a lot. You can read about her experience (i.e., Zuri’s Story) and then read the processing after (i.e., The Process).

Zuri’s Story

It was raining outside. Zuri could hear the rain hitting the window glass and felt the coldness stealing in through the cracks in the old paned, school windows. The room was nearly silent. The rain, the shuffling of students in their seats, and her teacher’s heels click, click, click, click, click, click, down the isles, weaving around desks. Zuri was staring out the window. She sees a sparrow on the windowsill. It seems as if the little bird sees her. He tilts his head. Zuri tilts hers.

It was the pre-algebra test results. It was a hard exam and Zuri has felt over her head since September. She studies and goes to the library after school to look up math help online. She wishes she was one of those kids who could afford a tutor. She wishes she was one of those kids whose parents helped them.

She wishes she was…someone else. She even wishes she was that little sparrow. Maybe she could fly away.

Click, click, click, click, heels on the floor, paper after paper on students’ desks.

Yeah, she wishes that she was someone else. She watches the sparrow fly from the windowsill, struggling in the rain, and still flying away. “Fly, little one fly,” she thought. “Fly.”

Mrs. Connor stopped at her desk. She placed her paper face-side down on her desk. Mrs. Connor held her hand on the paper and looked right into Zuri’s eyes. Zuri did that thing she does that postpones tears. She blinks so tears can’t collect in her eyes. “God,” she thought. “Just get it over with.”

“Nice job Zuri,” Mrs. Connor says. “Best grade in the class. You’ve been doing the work and it shows. Good work.”

“What?” Zuri wasn’t sure she heard right. Just in case she smiled and thought “What?”

Mrs. Conner moved on and Zuri flipped over the paper. There it was 98% an A. Zuri’s heart pounded and she had to start blinking again so that she would not full-on cry. Only this time, it was because she was so happy.

She could not wait for school to be done. She could not wait to show her mom. Her mom was going to see this paper and wrap her arms around Zuri and pick her right up off of the floor. Her mom was going to be so proud.

I see Zuri practically running home from school. She is so excited. Her mom had half day at work so Zuri knew she would be home. I see Zuri running thru the big front door into the house. She slows a bit. The house is dark, shades are drawn, and the TV is on. She can hear it. She turns the bend from the kitchen into the TV room. Nervously, Zuri peers in. The room is filled with the smell of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol. Ugh, she can barely breathe.

Zuri’s mom is curled up on the couch, blankets around her. There is an infomercial on the TV, loud, something about weight loss. I see Zuri’s eyes get big.

“Mom?” she whispers. “Mom, you okay?” She touches her mom’s shoulder.

“Oh, hey, Zuri, you home from school already? What time is it?” Zuri’s mom turns to check her phone and falls off the couch. She’s drunk. Zuri helps her back on the couch.

Ignoring what just happened, her Mom says, “What’s going on ZuZu?”

“Nothing” Zuri says.

“How was school?”

“Well, if you really want to know, I had a sort of great day. I got a test back from Mrs. Connor, my Pre-Algebra teacher. I got the best grade in the class. I got an A.”

Her mom doesn’t respond. She has dozed off.

“Mom? Mom? Did you hear me?”

“Sure honey. That’s great. You got to play.” She dozes off again.

“No. Mom.” Zuri says to no one as she walks out of the room. “I got an A. Best grade in the class. Yay.”

Zuri walks into the kitchen and starts making dinner for Eric and Rashan. Her mom wasn’t going to do it. Her brothers would be home soon, hungry.

Later, Zuri had finished dinner, cleaned the kitchen, packed lunches (she calls them ‘make-do lunches’ cause…., well, you know) and finished her homework.  She decides to dig through the yoga bag and flip through the yoga notes. Her eyes land on a class I teach every few months. It is titled, “You are the one who tries. You are the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

Lying on her back, she places the soles of her feet together (just like in my drawings). She places one hand on her heart and one hand on her belly. She closes her eyes. She whispers, “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

In my notes, I explain that our efforts are between our souls and ourselves. For some, the soul is a reflection of God. For others it’s a drop of the universe within. For all of us, it is our soul, our God, that sees our work. No matter how drunk your mom might be or how invalidating any one person, or all the people in your life, may be-- your soul knows that you tried and that is all that matters.

I see her breathing. I see the very slight upward turn at the corners of her mouth. I see a peacefulness fall over her face. Again she thinks, “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

The Process

External validation is critical. It is so critical that there have been entire interventions built around invalidating environments as a core principle (see Dialectic Behavioral Therapy; Linehan, 1993, http://www.behavioraltech.com/index.cfm). In fact, the neurological location in the brain that feels physical pain is the same area at which we feel social rejection (http://www.ucp.pt/site/resources/documents/ICS/GNC/ArtigosGNC/AlexandreCastroCaldas/15_EiJaLiNa06.pdf)* We need to be seen by, included with, and accepted by others.

It actually hurts when we are not.

But what if it is just not in your cards to be seen today, or for lots of days, or even for big chunk of your childhood? What then?

There is an emerging concept/practice in psychology called Self-Validation (see http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200810/the-power-be-vulnerable-part-2-3). There is still lots of research needed and a lot of what is talked about now is about loving yourself even when you make a mistake. Still the essence of this is that we can be validating for ourselves. We don’t need the world to validate our efforts (although it would be super awesome if it did).

So lie on your back. Place the soles of your feet together. Close yours eyes. Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Breathe in and out. Say “I am the one who tries. I am the one who sees. And that is all that matters.”

Because truly, that is all that matters.

I see you Zuri,

Catherine

*An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection

Naomi I. Eisenberger a,*, Johanna M. Jarcho b,*, Matthew D. Lieberman b, Bruce D. Naliboff c,d

a Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, University of California, Los Angeles, CA, USA
b Department of Psychology, Franz Hall, University of California, Los Angeles, CA, USA
c Center for Neurovisceral Sciences and Women’s Health, David Geffen School of Medicine, University of California, Los Angeles, USA d VA Greater Los Angeles Healthcare System, Los Angeles, CA, USA

Received 21 March 2006; received in revised form 8 May 2006; accepted 19 June 2006

Abstract

Recent evidence points to a possible overlap in the neural systems underlying the distressing experience that accompanies physical pain and social rejection (Eisenberger et al., 2003). The present study tested two hypotheses that stem from this suggested over- lap, namely: (1) that baseline sensitivity to physical pain will predict sensitivity to social rejection and (2) that experiences that heighten social distress will heighten sensitivity to physical pain as well. In the current study, participants’ baseline cutaneous heat pain unpleasantness thresholds were assessed prior to the completion of a task that manipulated feelings of social distress. During this task, participants played a virtual ball-tossing game, allegedly with two other individuals, in which they were either continuously included (social inclusion condition) or they were left out of the game by either never being included or by being overtly excluded (social rejection conditions). At the end of the game, three pain stimuli were delivered and participants rated the unpleasantness of each. Results indicated that greater baseline sensitivity to pain (lower pain unpleasantness thresholds) was associated with greater self-reported social distress in response to the social rejection conditions. Additionally, for those in the social rejection conditions, greater reports of social distress were associated with greater reports of pain unpleasantness to the thermal stimuli delivered at the end of the game. These results provide additional support for the hypothesis that pain distress and social distress share neurocog- nitive substrates. Implications for clinical populations are discussed.
Ó 2006 International Association for the Study of Pain. Published by Elsevier B.V. All rights reserved.

A Compassion Cushion: Creating a Big Interpersonal Cushion for the Ones You Love

A Compassion Cushion:

Creating a Big Interpersonal Cushion for the Ones You Love

I just created this term, compassion cushion, to describe my practice. I try, everyday, to give the people that I love space to be on their own path. Not my path, their path. Like yoga, compassion is a practice.

In poetic form:

         The Compassion Cushion

        

A feather-soft pillow

For the people in your life

To Try

Screw up

Fail

Struggle

Fall

Stumble

Work through things

Be what they need to be

When they need to be it

Big

Accepting

Open-hearted

Space

             By Catherine Cook-Cottone

        

Now, let me be clear- I am not talking about tolerating abuse: emotional, physical or otherwise. That isn’t part of the compassion cushion- per say. I am talking about the times when-- one of your friends doesn’t return your call because she is in her head about someone in her life, or something going on, and she is not ready to talk and she knows that if she calls you she will have to go deep into the whole thing and she just can’t right now. Yeah. That was a run on sentence- but that is how it looks in your/her/his head.

In this post, I will share with you about how the compassion cushion shows up for Zuri (in Zuri’s Eyes) and then the psychology behind it (in The Process)

In Zuri’s Eyes: Zuri’s Best Friend Emily (Who is Zuri? See the About The Yoga Bag page)

Friends since pre-K, Zuri and Emily have been distant lately. All summer they didn’t really connect and this school year they have had a few good days. Still, they have not been close, not Zuri and Emily close. Zuri has been trying not to get mad at Emily. She sits at her desk, in class, and sees Emily, four rows up, two desks over-- everyday. Emily knows things have been hard for Zuri. Still, she doesn’t say, “Can you come over and play?” or “Do you want to spend the night?” or “Do you want to go to the mall with us?”

Zuri has always counted on Emily to be her solid place. Emily is like Aunt Jasmine. You know, the people that you look to so that you can believe that things really can be okay someday. It’s all good with Emily. Emily’s mom and dad are still together. They met in high school and had three kids Emily is the youngest. Both Emily’s sister and brother have already gone to college. With her siblings in college, it is sort of like Emily is an only child at home. Her mom and Dad love her a lot. They don’t really drink much or use drugs. In fact, her parents are strong church members (they were at Thomas’s funeral) and they work hard with the church helping in the garden and in the community. They are both teachers for the Buffalo schools. They are committed to bring Buffalo to its full potential- a real city of neighborly love. Zuri loves Emily’s family. When she is with them she feel safe and happy.

Zuri has been reading my yoga notes from the yoga bag. She has read about the compassion cushion. I had used it as a theme for a yoga class and described it in my notes for the day. Zuri thought she would work on cultivating compassion which she Googled, checking to see what it was, “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compassion). She read my poem (see above). She knew that Emily must be going through something because they have always been so close. She wishes that she could help Emily feel better. Yet, she has a sense that Emily needs space. So, she decided to practice compassion. For now she would be loving Emily and giving her space.

They were finally able to talk the Monday after Thomas’s funeral. At the funeral, they had said hello to each other there. Zuri smiled and practiced love and compassion for Emily. She thought, “Emily I love you a lot and I hope you are okay” as she smiled over to Emily. Zuri was holding close to Eric. She and Emily did not have a chance to talk.

Monday at school:

Emily walked up to Zuri’s locker, “Hey Zuri.”

“Hey Emily.”

“Is Eric okay? It is so sad about Thomas.”

“Yeah,” Zuri replied. “He’s okay. I think.” Her words didn’t represent her fears. Her thin voice did.

“Do you want to come over and do homework, bring Rashan?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” Zuri tried not to sound too needy. And so it was. They smiled at each other.

It was when they were doing homework that Zuri found out that Emily’s parents had gone through a rough patch over the summer. Emily explains that they were fighting all of the time about moving. With  the summer crime wave and stuff that had been going on in their neighborhood, Emily’s mom wanted to move and her dad refused. It recently resolved at Thomas’s funeral. She said her parents agreed that the people in the city needed them to stay and fight for a better way of being, of living. Together her parents decided to stay and fight in honor of Thomas and for Thomas’s family. Emily said she was afraid to tell Zuri because it might make it real that her parents might break up. She said that she wasn't ready to talk about it. Emily said that through it all she knew that Zuri understood. 

Zuri was so relieved and felt really bad for Emily. She knew what it felt like to be afraid to say something out loud.

“Emily,” she almost whispered. “I missed you so much and was afraid I did something wrong or you didn’t want to be my friend anymore. But I kept sending you love.”

Emily laughed out loud. “Zuri, never, ever, ever would that happen.”

Zuri told Emily about The Yoga Bag and all of the stuff she was learning. She told her about warrior ones and twos and breath. Emily told her that a lady was coming to teach yoga at their school.

“Wait! “Zuri we should go together! Let’s sign up!”

They agreed, yes they would go. Zuri’s heart was on fire.

The Process

Giving People Space to be on There own Path—The Compassion Cushion.

Sometimes we struggle. Here is an example from my house. My husband does this thing once in a while. He cleans the house. Amazing, awesome, wonderful, right? Well, sort of. After he does this, he becomes completely intolerant of anything we leave anywhere. Now, we all have a sense of the bigger picture, the reality of the two days prior-- when all of his work was on the kitchen table-- and his computer was next to the honey and granola-- and the kids were shoulder-to-shoulder trying to eat breakfast. Then suddenly, without warning, he has cleaned. What follows is a zero tolerance policy for at least 48 hours. We hear our names being called and he is standing with a half-drunk cup of coffee or a plate and fork, or car keys (yeah, a lot of it is mine). He is standing there with a look on his face of complete and utter judgment. At this moment, my husband is all of us.

We all do this. We make gains in our personal life, in our spiritual life, our relationship with truth and honesty, exercise, nutrition, whatever it may be. We make these gains. Then, we look at others through the lens of our growth. We think: Why does she struggle with honesty? Why is his practice so inconsistent? Why is she eating that food and drinking that drink, when I know she is struggling with a health issues? Why is she talking in the hall when she has a deadline? And who would leave a half drunk cup of coffee in the bathroom? (Well the answer to the last one is- me). 

No compassion. No cushion. It is so easy to feel that people need to be on the same path, at the same pace as we are.

The thing is that it is not possible. In a world of 7 billion people, I am pretty sure that there are about:

7 billion different life journeys

7 billion unique struggles

7 billion setbacks

7 billion paces of growth

Yeah. 7 billion. So, why do I think that my path, my growth is the measuring stick? You are right. I should not. None of us should.

GIVE people in your life space to have their path. Give people in your life room to try and fail and try again. Let that space be compassionate and soft. Let it be supportive, just like a cushion. None of us grows in complete grace in every moment. Growth is tricky, bumpy, discontinuous, variable, and part of being human. In growth, we are trying on new ways of being and when you are new at something- well- it can be kind of messy.

In psychological interventions there is an approach called Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). One area addressed in DBT is Interpersonal Effectiveness. Within interpersonal effectiveness (stay with me), there is a method called GIVE- this can help you when providing a Compassion Cushion to the ones you love.

Here is how to be present when supporting someone you love-- Dialectic Behavioral Therapy-- GIVE:

G – Gentle (Be): Approach the other party in a gentle and nonthreatening manner, avoiding attacks and judgmental statements.

 I – Interested (Be): Act interested by listening to the other person and not interrupting.

V – Validate: Validate and acknowledge the other person’s wishes, feelings, and opinions.

E – Easy (Be): Assume an easy manner by smiling and using a light-hearted, humorous tone.

Adapted from- http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/interpersonal-effectiveness-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt-0416134

Zuri and Emily are working it out. Friendship needs space sometimes. Their friendships, our friendships need a Compassion Cushion- and in that space- all things are possible.

So go out there and be a good, compassionate friend!

Namaste,

Catherine