What to do if You Have Been Assaulted and
are Triggered by The News
The Yoga Bag
Catherine Cook-Cottone
2018
Why I am writing
this:
While growing from a little girl to a woman, I was both sexually assaulted and physically assaulted. As I write, my stomach and heart ache and tears flood my
eyes.
That said, it is
part of who I am.
I think I am
like many women out there. I care about what is happening in the news. However,
the news is very triggering. I find myself torn between wanting to know the
developments day-to-day and trying to get through my work and life tasks. I effort to get up every day and get my
work done, engage in my relationships, and manage the resurgence of traumatizing
memories and waves of emotions.
I find that I am at a place
in which I need to gather together my coping strategies- so that they are here
for me. I am writing to share them with you. So that WE have a plan.
To do this, I reached back
to a post I wrote about coping shortly after my mother died. I am inspired by
my 2015 self and her strength. I wrote the 2015 post less than three weeks after her
passing. In my 2015 post, I spoke of the moment when my parents told me my baby brother was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I spoke of the moment I heard my mom had, at-best, 3 years to live. There are these moments in our lives and they come in waves.
When I wrote in 2015, I felt much like I do now. I was deep in one of those waves. I was going through the daily motions of life and wondering if I would ever feel okay again. Back then, I wrote about the hardships I had experienced in my life- a list. I wrote about how I was not special- that life is complicated, and messy, and sometimes really hurtful and that – I—like each one of us- was a bit bruised-up by it. still, despite the list, I did not refer to being physically or sexually assaulted- I wrote this in the text—
When I wrote in 2015, I felt much like I do now. I was deep in one of those waves. I was going through the daily motions of life and wondering if I would ever feel okay again. Back then, I wrote about the hardships I had experienced in my life- a list. I wrote about how I was not special- that life is complicated, and messy, and sometimes really hurtful and that – I—like each one of us- was a bit bruised-up by it. still, despite the list, I did not refer to being physically or sexually assaulted- I wrote this in the text—
"And,
this is not all of it (some things simply must be kept private and sometimes
those ones are the hardest)."
Today, I find it too
hard to carry this burden silently. Life gives us these chances, again and
again, to turn inward and heal the places where the wounds still ache.And so I take that chance.
It seems as though, the way out
is still through and to heal I must feel. I know that this too shall pass and with my work,
it will pass best after I have integrated, processed, and experienced it.
By leaning in, I will
arise stronger.
I have decided
to take what I learned in 2015 and expand the guidance for us. Here is our
plan:
Rally your kindest and most compassionate self.
Research suggests that if you coach yourself with
self-compassionate, caring encouragement using your own name, you providing
self-support that can move you forward. This is how it works, “Catherine, I hear you saying that you are
afraid that you will never feel okay again. I see your sadness. Remember,
Catherine, you are strong. You have your breath and your practice. You have
made it through hard times and learned and grown. Be present, feel, and
breathe. You’ve got this.”
Take a news break.
Take a break. Instead of turning on the news in the car or in the morning while you get ready for your day, play songs that feed your soul. Listen to a podcast that reminds you why you love and can trust humans. Take time with your loved ones-- with no background noise- just the humming of your life as it pulses with the heartbeats of the safe people in your world. You can go back to the news whenever you are ready. It is never required. You can always choose.
Look for those who have made it and lock your eyes on them.
By the time my brother Stephen had grown a bit and was doing
well in school, my mom went back to school to get her teaching degree. Sharing
the writing gene, she wrote about our family experiences and the birth of
Stephen. She wrote about Stephens’ birth and meeting a woman who also had a son
with Down Syndrome. Her name was Eileen Hyslop. Mom reached out to her. Eileen
generously talked to my mom at length and later became her dear friend. That
first day on the phone, my mom could barely hear what Eileen was saying because
she just heard her laugh, from the belly, from the soul, an authentic, happy
laugh. The sound of that laugh gave my mom hope. My mom thought for the first
time, in a long time, that maybe she would, in fact, feel okay again and maybe,
in fact, she would laugh, a real laugh again.
There are women, heroes really, out there now, speaking of
their rapes and assaults with mind-bending courage within the #metoo movement.
There are community members and leaders who are feeling strong and supported
enough to voice support. There are people who have built their entire careers
on advocating for women and survivors. Like me, find those who have made it
through and lock your eyes on them.
Let your friends and family be there.
The days after I told my partner of seven years that I was
leaving were some of the hardest days of my life. I knew he deserved to be with
someone who loved him completely and I knew I needed to leave. That did not
mean that I didn’t love him very much. I did and leaving him was one of the
hardest things I have even done. I was floored by the feelings that followed.
One night, I felt as if I could not bear to exist. I didn’t want to die, but I
didn’t know if I could handle being present in all I was feeling. My dear
friend Lissa came over to my place with a novel in hand. The television was
off, no music, just me curled up on the couch and Lissa sitting on the chair next
to me reading. I didn’t know the story. To this day, I have no idea what she
was reading. Still, the sound of her voice and knowing I was not alone, got me
through one of the hardest nights of my life. I will be forever grateful.
These days, I am relying on my running group, good friends,
and my husband. Jerry and I have a Netflix show we are watching, a gentle distraction.
I am working with my friends on an event for this weekend in support of a veterans
program. It is these close, trusting, and supportive moments that help you believe
in humans again. Reach out to the people in your life, your sisters and
brothers, family, good friends- those that won’t mind sitting and reading to
you, running with you, planning events with you-- while you work on breathing.
Listen to the stories and perspectives of others.
This one was my daughter Chloe’s contribution. When I asked her
what she does to get through the seemingly unbearable, she said she reaches out
to others to get their perspective. She said that when she is too deep in
something, she loses perspective and only sees one side. When she reaches out
and listens, she hears other perspectives and possibilities. It has a balancing
effect. She says it gets her closer to what is really happening and out of her
reaction. I guess old souls can be 16
year-old girls.
With a similar intention, the year I turned 40 I re-storied
my whole life in a series of journals. I interviewed my husband, my parents, my
siblings, and my friends and got their stories of my life. I detailed things
that made no sense to me when I was little and asked very specific questions.
All the notes are in journals that I still hold precious today. This process
was incredibly healing and “self”-organizing. I learned so much about my own
perceptions as well as the sides of stories that perhaps I could never have
known or understood as a kid. Not surprisingly, I was out-and-out wrong about
more than a few things. The whole process made me stronger, deeper, more
connected and integrated.
Read memoirs of survivors- The Hole in the World: An American Boyhood by Richard Rhodes is one
of the bravest books I have ever read. You can purchase it it
here. Lucky by Alice Sebold tells the story of a young woman raped, only
later to find out he had killed before and was told she was “lucky” to have
survived. You can purchase Lucky here.
Dig in, be inspired, and feel.
Routine is your friend.
When my Grandpa Cook died it hit me hard. He was the first of
my grandparents to pass. He meant a lot to me. He was a teacher to me on topics
ranging from how to recover from an eating disorder to maintenance of healthy
daily routines. I somehow felt safe just thinking about him digging around his
garden, making insane smoothies, and sitting and reading. To get through his
death, I stuck to my routine. I went to school. I went to work. I ran (no yoga
yet in my life at this time). My routine was my anchor. I said to myself, “Work is still here,” “School is still here,” and “Daily runs are still here.” Things had changed substantially and yet so
much was going to stay the same. I still find great comfort in that.
Use your planner, calendar, or other scheduling support
technology.
In the research world, these are called cognitive
prosthetics (or neuro-prosthetics). Considered a tool for improved functioning,
technologies can help you “think” just as a prosthetic leg can help someone who
has lost a limb walk. For example, researchers are exploring ways that
technological tools can help those with Alzheimer’s function day-to-day. How
does this relate? When we are completely overwhelmed, we are at high risk for
flaking out. Under stress, your brain is flooded with stress hormones and there
is actual risk for cognitive impairment. Use your tools and give your brain a
break so that it can process what you are experiencing. You can enhance the
process by adding in reminders to do deep breathing exercises or reminders of
positive affirmations (e.g., an auto-reminder pops up to say, “You are stronger than you think you are.
Breathe”). Technology is a powerful tool for mental health.
Let your feelings move through you and breathe- breathe
deeply.
You can’t think your way out of some things. It is simply
not possible. When someone dies, you can’t fix it, think about it differently,
nothing like that. It is loss, pure loss. It can’t be fixed. You can try to
think your way out of it- that path takes you into loops of rumination- because
it doesn’t really work. The feelings demand to be felt. As they wave in, allow
them. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart. Feel. Deepen your
breath and stay present. These feelings are called emotions, e-motions-
packets of energy and information (i.e., /e/) that move through you (i.e.,
/motion/). They tell us what matters. The remind us what is important. They
move us. Allowing and presence is needed for integration and processing of what
has happened. It’s a necessity. That said, take breaks. Alternate sessions of
being totally and completely in it with periods of support, friends, and
healthy distractions. When you are ready, allow again. That old saying is true,
“In
order to heal, we need to feel.”
Stay Sober.
There is another old saying (from Alcoholics Anonymous),
“Nothing is so bad a drink won’t make it worse.” You don’t need to be an
alcoholic to benefit from that wisdom. Your brain and soul need to be sober to
process important things in your life. If you take yourself out with alcohol or
drugs during the hard times, you rob yourself of the chance too honor the
tragedy, loss, or important life event with pure, sober presence. Equally
important, if you drink, or use, every time you start to feel, it is difficult,
if not impossible to move forward. You get stuck. It bears repeating, that old
saying is true, “In order to heal, we need to feel.”
Write, write, write.
Writing about hard times can help you heal (read a
Psychology Today Piece here http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/write-yourself-well/201208/expressive-writing).
James Pennebaker, as researcher on the mental health benefits of writing found
that when individuals write about difficult events in their lives, include
specific details, and integrate their emotional experiences, they experience
increased physical and emotional well-being (read about James Pennebaker here http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2005/writing.html). For
me, writing in my journal, writing a blog, or any writing at all are ways for
me to move thoughts and ideas through me. I love giving seemingly free-floating
emotions a home on a page- whether it be a webpage or a hand-made journal page.
My emotions seem to do better with a good home. Write, write, write.
Seek out nature.
Nature is medicine. Researchers are confirming what we all
already know: getting into nature is grounding, spiritually uplifting, and
healthy. I believe so strongly in this that I run to a local waterfall on a
regular basis. If I don’t get there once a week, I feel it in my body. I love
hearing the water rush over the rocks. I love seeing the trees grow and shed
their leaves, hearing the snow crunch under my feet in the winter, and smelling
the flowers in the spring. I love the birds, squirrels, and ducks that live
there. Once when we were in the midst of moving, I ran to the falls in a state
of exasperation with the unpacking. Sweaty, exhausted, I walked up to see the
falls, and rested my hands and chin on the safety fence. At that moment, I saw
the most beautiful thing. A blue heron was standing at the base of the falls
dipping his bill in the water and then looking up to the sky. Somehow, I knew
in that movement that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t take a picture.
I hold the image of that heron clearly in my memories embedded with feelings of
calm security.
The two weeks of my mom’s death, I ran or walked down to
Lyon’s Falls, the actual falls. I watched the water fall over the rocks. I made
wishing stone stacks. I noticed the roots on trees and the moss on rocks. I
felt the sand on my fingers and the softness of the sides of the riverbed under
my feed. I breathed in the fresh, snow-tinged spring air, and I cried. Yep,
nature heals.
The next possible thing.
When I was an undergraduate, I did not love to clean my
apartment. I would be busy on swim team, school, and work and get over my head
with housekeeping. One Saturday morning I woke up knowing I had to get my
apartment in order. It had gone too far and something had to be done. I felt
frozen by the sheer magnitude of what I had to accomplish. I asked myself, “Catherine, what is the next possible thing
you can do?” I answered, “You can put
your feet on the floor and get out of bed.” I answered myself, “Yes, yes that seems possible.” And so
it began. I asked myself if I could get this cup, this one cup, to the kitchen
sink and I answered myself that I could, in fact, do that. One little, tiny
thing at a time, I got my apartment clean. This strategy has come to serve me
in postpartum after a spinal headache and complicated recovery. It came to
serve me for many, many days when I was terrified that I would not get tenure
(I did). It served me writing my last book (e.g., “I can write this section, just this section”). In Alcoholics
Anonymous they talk about one day at a time. For me, on some days, that is too
big. I ask, “What is the next possible
thing you can do?” That’s it. Do that.
Schedule pleasant events.
Since the 1980s, researchers have been documenting the
benefits of scheduling pleasant events. It is important that you see the two
aspects of this tool: (a) schedule, and (b) pleasant event. Each component is
important. In fact, planning the pleasant event (e.g., a vacation) may have as
much, or more, of a benefit than the actual pleasant event. Read the New York
Times piece on the benefits of planning vacation
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/how-vacations-affect-your-happiness/?_r=0.
Next, the pleasant event is- well- pleasant. You don’t need to earn it or
deserve it. It is just healthy to do fun and nourishing things. I love to go
for a run in nature or hike. I love to go in our hot tub. I love to cuddle in
by the fireplace and write blogs. I love teaching yoga. I love group runs with
friends. I love yoga trainings (my brother said that I need to admit this is
yoga camp for grown-ups- I say training makes it sound legit). I plan
“trainings” and travel. I have been saving for and planning a trip to Italy for
almost 5 years. I hope to go this year, completely paid-for, no credit card
debt, and learn to cook authentic Italian meals in all different regions. Just
thinking about it makes me happy. (Go here for a list of pleasant events
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/er_handout_8.html)
Practice and all is coming.
When I found out my mom had Pulmonary Fibrosis, I deepened
my yoga practice. I recall sobbing in savasana with Susan Fain, the yoga
teacher, playing “Awaken My Soul” as
she gently pressed my shoulders to the floor (thank God for towels over the
eyes). Practice yoga, run, swim, or whatever physical practice centers you. The
act of being in your body and moving is essential and powerful. Recall the
section on emotions needing to move? You
need to move too. You move, the emotions move, and integration of even the
hardest of stuff happens. Unlike substance use, a practice that allows you to
feel your body and your feelings allows the impact of hard times move through
you. Warning: each of these physical practices, if done with the wrong
intention- can work just like alcohol or drugs. You can use your yoga, your
running, your swimming to numb out the feelings- and if you do- well- re-read
the section on staying sober. It’s not a step forward. So move- YES- and move
with the intention of feeling and processing. Now, that will serve you.
Meditate.
This one is not so simple as we talk about trauma. .
What I said before (2015), “Start
meditating today so that when you need the skills you have them. During the
last weeks of my mom’s life, we had the privilege of taking care of her. Thanks
to Hospice and their wonderful care providers we were able to be at my parents’
home providing the care my mom needed. These times are so very important and
hard. I was able to use the skills I have practiced for years- breathing,
mantra, and focus- to stay present and experience all that there was to
experience. You see, the more you meditate, the more you have a felt sense that
everything really is going to be okay no matter what is happening. You have a
felt sense that we are all one and that we all come from and go to the same
place and that place is calm and full of love. Each day you practice you allow
yourself to get a closer- not to believing this, but knowing it.”
With trauma, it can be a bit more complicated. Here
is a great article on trauma and mindfulness, “The Science of Trauma, Mindfulness
and PTSD” in Mindful: Healthy Mind,
Healthy life.
Here are the conclusions of David Treheaven, author of Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness as cited in
his article, “Is Mindfulness Safe for Trauma Survivors?” In Applied NPT Magazine- here.
“Many who suffer under
the weight of traumatic stress respond favorably to mindfulness meditation. But
others may have a different experience, where the practice unintentionally
lands them in more pain. Mindfulness practice doesn’t need to work for
everyone, but I’ve become convinced that certain modifications to meditation
can support survivors, at the very least ensuring that they are not
re-traumatizing themselves in practice. Mindfulness meditation isn’t bad: it’s
powerful. And those of us offering it to others benefit when we continue
exploring its risks and rewards.”
So- find supportive, guided meditations and do what
feels safe and okay. I have created two series on Simple Habit for survivors of
trauma and sexual assault here. Read more
about our Simple Habit series on meditation for women on Medium here.
Allow.
I am not about acceptance. Maybe for some things- for
others- no. There are things I do not and will not accept. Physical and sexual
assault- no.
For most of the rest-- I have found it to be good practice to allow.
Allow others to be on their own path. Don’t let your judgment, your ideas, your
concepts about where they should be and how they should be doing things to get
in the way of love and presence. It has taken me a while to get to this and it
is my practice. Allow. Allow. Allow. And then Love. Love. Love. I promise, you
will not regret this.
Look for meaning.
This one takes a commitment to dharma- the concept that we
were each born with a reason for being and it is our path to find our reason
and express it. Seane Corn, a teacher of yoga, explains that the universe is
our teacher- always. She says that our souls are placed here on Earth to learn
and the life events that manifest as we move from day-to-day and year-to-year
are there to be our teachers. In my life, I have a sense that the universe does
not speak English, or any other human language for that matter. Rather, the
universe speaks in symbols and energy. That means that the universe is not
going to walk up to you and say, “Catherine,
your brother Stephen was born to show you the beauty, love, and intelligence in
all human beings.” Nope, I had to see, witness, share, experience, and
value all of that. There were no words. Just Stephen.
I have yet to figure out the big picture for why I was assaulted.
Maybe my heartaches and body aches were just collateral damage to other people’s
inability to manage their own hurt, drives, and struggles. Maybe it’s a reminder
of just how fragile we all are.
Maybe some things just happen.
For certain, I did not deserve these hurts. I also don’t deserve
a life of ongoing replays of these horrible events either.
I deserve to move forward and live and love and laugh. And—that--
I will do.
Get professional help. I have. Getting
help is one of the bravest, smartest, and deepest acts of self-care I have ever
accomplished. It has made all the difference.
So there you are-- our plan.
The way out is through and getting
through can be manageable. It is not easy, but it can be remarkably simple- some of the most powerful things are- stay present and process- and know you and your beautiful life are worth the
effort. Your ability to stay present and move through the experience is a way
of honoring your strength.
It is a way of honoring the journey of your own soul.
I hope you choose the path of presence. You are stronger
than you think and life is more beautiful than we can remember in the hard
times.
The way out is through.
Namaste,
Catherine Cook-Cottone
The Yoga Bag
