Don’t tell me I am Too Sensitive when you are Drunk or Half Gone on Non-prescribed Pain Killers

Don’t tell me I am Too Sensitive

when you are Drunk or Half Gone on Non-prescribed Painkillers

Seems like it is hard to find people who are willing to be present, people who are not taking something or distracted by some behavioral addiction or compulsion. Further, there is seemingly little pressure for people to be sober and present. Some days it feels like it is a culturally sanctioned activity to be half in the bag or checked out.

Please note, I acknowledge that many people are legitimately taking medications for genuine medical reasons—I am not talking about that. I also know that there are individuals who are really struggling with their eating disorders, shopping addictions, and gambling problems (and other behavioral addictions) and want out- I know this. I am not talking about this either.

I am talking about the epidemic of people not soberly present in their lives. AND- then the underlying message that people who are present and actually feeling their feelings are too sensitive, moody, over reacting, over the top, too passionate, or maybe even crazy.

I especially struggle when I spend time with people that I know they are on non-prescribed drugs (including overuse of alcohol and other recreational drugs with the intention to not be present), manifesting the day-to-day artificially, chemically induced, happiness with the pretense that if you are having a normal challenging reaction to something horrible in the world, or fatigue from actually being present on a full-time basis—that there is something wrong with you (yeah- super long run-on sentence, I know- it had to be that way).

There is some pretty serious stuff going on in this world. A lot of it with scientific explanations and complications that make it difficult for anyone who is not a specialist in a particular field to sort out (e.g., genetically modified foods, climate change, waste management, mass production of non-recyclable goods, nuclear energy, etc..). Other social, political, and economic science concerns that can be as difficult to intellectually negotiate as the scientific questions (e.g., income inequality, poverty, unemployment, underemployment, gun regulation, taxes, education, drug rehabilitation, health care, etc..). It is very overwhelming. I want to do, and vote for, the right thing, the best thing, in all cases. To be honest, even with all of the education I have accrued and all of the reading and trying to know that I do, I don’t fully understand what would be best.

Then there is my own life. It is like yours. I have family, friends, work, and community—I have those relationships and the associated challenges and gifts, all of wonderful and horrible things going on. Trust me, I get why people want to be drugged out, drunk, or distracted by a compulsion, an eating disorder, a shopping problem, or a gambling addiction.  It seems easier that way (in many respects). It seems easier to just numb out a bit.  Once numbed out, I could just take on a belief, an opinion, and stop all of the figuring it out. I could be numb and righteous about it all. I get that. It’s seductive.

I am torn.

Like Carl Jung says-

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung (Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/carljung114802.html#SmEixuzdSoceE3bB.99)

My struggle today is letting people be on their own path of growth- yes- but- then- struggling to negotiate day-to-day activities with people who are checked out and simultaneously, actively judging others. See? Is it okay to judge people for judging you? Cause if you are trying not to judge, it is obviously wrong and so people who judge are wrong, right? And that is my struggle.

When we struggle, righteousness is super, super seductive Watch this—

There are costs to this checking out.

Costs of Substance Abuse (NIH, http://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/trends-statistics)

Abuse of tobacco, alcohol, and illicit drugs is costly to our Nation, exacting over $600 billion annually in costs related to crime, lost work productivity and healthcare.**

	Health Care	Overall
Tobacco	$96 billion	$193 billion
Alcohol	$30 billion	$235 billion
Illicit Drugs	$11 billion	$193 billion

Still, it does not serve me or anyone else to be righteous and judgmental.

As Carl Jung said

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.” Carl Jung (Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/carljung108780.html#xlKZHP8RdWGAKYkE.99)

Thing is, I have this fire in my heart to change things.

I worry that it is circular. We become disingenuous and checked out because of the hypocrisy and dogma-- and then lost, we become part of it. We have now become part of the toxic system, setting up the next soul for struggle.

I see the consequences in my work with my patients and in my family members and friends who are struggling. I SEE THIS IN MY OWN STRUGGLES.  There is a substantial portion of the human race that finds hypocrisy toxic to their souls. Maybe it is all of the human race. Ultimately, many forms of disorder may be a dysfunctional form of self-protection. You see, the lies, the secrets, the horrible discrepancies that arise when there is addiction or abuse in a family or culture--  they hurt. Even the unspoken—they hurt. They have energy and that energy does not resonate with health, well-being, or thriving. In an effort toward self-preservation, people feel that all that they can do is check out. At least they won’t feel this pain anymore.

And so the cycle goes.

Once you have checked out, you do not want to be confronted with, or conflicted about, your own hypocrisy or disingenuous behavior. NO! YOU DO NOT!

So, then, unknowingly, a sober, present, functioning person comes a long- ugh- how annoying is that?

It’s back to the good old cognitive dissonance. We don’t like to feel challenges in our beliefs or actions. We like it all to line up neatly, all of the time. In fact, when we engage in behavior that may not be healthy for us, we create a whole line of reasoning to justify it. Some people call this rationalizing. We make it okay. “I am checked out because I am a relaxed person. People need to relax now and again. The world is too painful. I need this to cope, etc. etc..” We have a whole lines of reasoning. In the alcoholic world there is a great line, “Poor me. Poor me. Pour me a drink.”

And so this sober, present, want-to-make-a-difference person comes along and we do not want to hear it because deep down, we want that. We want to be be present, engaged, and making difference. But, sh&%- it sucks to have that right in my face when I am half checked out and have a million good reason for being this way. And so- you know what? It is way easier for me to make you bad than for me to look at my own stuff and so- W say to ourselves- that person is too sensitive, they worry to much, they try too hard, they this and they that...... And so we get to the title of my blog today--

Don’t tell me I am Too Sensitive

when you are Drunk or Half Gone on Non-prescribed, Pain Killers

Do you know what happens? Do you know what happens when the sober sensitive, staying-in-the-game people get knocked down, ignored, and criticized by the other checked-out (yet ultimately, good, sensitive, wanting-to-make-a-difference-but-got-too-overwhelmed-at-some-point people)- they are at-risk for struggle.

I see it like that move THE BLOB- the 1958 film about this big mass taking over a town (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blob). The checked-outs suck in the sober-still-trying’s- until we all are part of the checked-out blob not doing anything about all of that important stuff I listed above.

It scares the crap out of me (so did that movie when I was little).

Zuri’s Story

Zuri is scared. She is at her Aunt’s Jasmine’s, both she and Rashan. Eric is missing again. She wonders if she should call it “missing” anymore- really what is “missing"? Because what really goes down is that he isn’t really missing anymore- despite his promises- he is never home. If Zuri is really honest- Eric visits home now. So, he is not missing- he lives somewhere else, who knows where, but not at their house and he visits now and again. It is great when he visits. It is great when he protects her. It is great when he is sober and make promises. Still, Zuri sees Eric becoming a lot more like her mom that anything else.

Ahhhh, if she really thinks about it, it is almost like her mom visits too.

Eric and her mom live in a land outside of normal consciousness. They drop in and find the land of sobriety a bit too harsh for their senses and then they leave again, back to alcohol, back to drugs, back to painkillers, and back to the place where their problems include paying for the next high. It gets simple like that.

(If you ever wondered about what the inner workings of an addicts mind are like read- Goldfinch [http://www.amazon.com/The-Goldfinch-Donna-Tartt/dp/0316055433] or any of these books listed on Goodreads (https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/drug-addiction?page=1).

Zuri got really scared this morning. Her Aunt Jasmine has all of her cancer drugs on the table. When Jasmine was making breakfast, Zuri looked over the bottles. She found it: Hydrocodone, ugh. Zuri felt as if she might even hate drugs at this point. Her aunt was humming an old church song while making pancakes. At that moment, Zuri figured out the sick feeling that had been rumbling around in her belly since she got there. Aunt Jasmine was on them too. When you are the child of an addict, you feel it in your core when someone is not present. You just know.

Zuri felt tears stream down her face. She wiped them away as quickly as they came down. She knew Jasmine was super sick and in a lot of pain since her surgery. She knew this and she did not want her aunt to be in pain. She also knew that Jasmine had herself and Rashan to worry about. Jasmine also had all of the worries about Sherece, Zuri's mom. She knew these worries were bringing Jasmine down. She knew that Jasmine had to go to court for them. She knew what Jasmine was going to have to go against her sister. All of this Jasmine had to do while she was in treatment for cancer. Yeah, Jasmine was on painkillers too.

Zuri felt like these drugs were taking over her whole world. They were slowly sucking everyone, even the safest people, in. She started to feel like she could not breathe. Jasmine’s humming was not good to hear. It was like hearing a dissonant note on the piano. It was oddly disturbing- the seemingly happy humming, chemically induced okayness slathered over a big, gigantic pile of physical and mental pain. Zuri squeezed her hands on her head. She couldn’t take it. She shoved her chair back and ran upstairs. Jasmine and Rashan looked at each other. Rashan was lost. Jasmine confused. Jasmine turned of the stove and, tired, walked upstairs.

Zuri couldn’t talk to her. She couldn’t say a world. Jasmine pushed and Zuri lied, “I am just sad about my mom.”

Zuri lied.

Jasmine is doing her best to cope. She is so very sick and now she has the children to figure out. She is as worried about Eric and Sherece as Zuri is. And  Zuri—Zuri breaks her heart. Jasmine didn’t mean to take the extra painkillers this morning. It was just that she was so tired. And she figured later, she would skip a dose and make up for it. She knew that Zuri knew. When Zuri lied, Jasmine let her. Jasmine felt it deep in her belly- the dissonance.

She went downstairs and dumped all of the painkillers. They were gone and with them the lies.

The process

I am not sure if Jasmine did the right thing or not. I don’t know the pain she is in and I don’t know if she will be okay. This is a conversation for her and her doctor. That is what I can say for sure. If you get a sense that you are checking out- using the drugs to help you deal with things instead of you actually dealing with things- that is when you need to stop- do what you need to do. Painkillers are for physical pain- not stress.

The cycle of checking out and rationalizing and not being present is epidemic. It can only change one present soul at a time. You see in Zuri’s Story and in our own lives there is a constant pressure to lie, to check out, and to become part of the problem, THE BLOB OF UNCONSCIOUS EXISTENCE (yeah, it still scares me).

This blog is an invitation to come OUT HERE to the place where we can make a difference- to sober, presence.

It can be really fun out here. No hangovers, fewer regrets (it is not perfect out here- lots of room for mistakes- still- trust me there are fewer), and out here has many better mornings. It is good. With all of your extra energy saved from not fighting the exposure to neurotoxins and opiates, you can actually do stuff that might change the world- and we need YOU.

So come out here, play, work, and be of power.

Challenge your cognitive dissonance. Let yourself be challenged and don’t bring down the sober, hard-trying soul that is trying to get you off your As$ and into the game.

This is a request out of love for you, for this earth, and all of the stuff we need to do right now. I need you. Zuri needs you. The world needs you.

This is The Yoga Bag blog- yes it is- so……guess what is a great way to handle your stress without checking out- yep- yoga and meditation.

See you in class!

Namaste,

Catherine

References and Notes

Cognitive Dissonance (http://psychology.about.com/od/cognitivepsychology/f/dissonance.htm)

Question: What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

People tend to seek consistency in their beliefs and perceptions. So what happens when one of our beliefs conflicts with another previously held belief? The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance.

How exactly does cognitive dissonance work and how does it influence how we think and behave?

Answer:

Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered how people try to reach internal consistency. He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that our beliefs and behaviors are consistent. Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs leads to disharmony, which people strive to avoid.

In his book A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explained, "Cognitive dissonance can be seen as an antecedent condition which leads to activity oriented toward dissonance reduction just as hunger leads toward activity oriented toward hunger reduction. It is a very different motivation from what psychologists are used to dealing with but, as we shall see, nonetheless powerful."

The amount of dissonance people experience can depend on a few different factors, including how highly we value a particular belief and degree to which our beliefs are inconsistent.

Sometimes, I Guess There Just Aren’t Enough Rocks… The Effects of Child Abuse and Neglect

Sometimes, I Guess There Just Aren’t Enough Rocks…

The Effects of Child Abuse and Neglect

On of my favorite movie scenes of all time is right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anz91PPMPw8

It is a scene from Forrest Gump (see references below) in which Jenny, Forrest’s friend since grade school, sees the house in which she grew up. She sees the house in which she was hurt and abused. She is transfixed and walks toward the house. Forrest watches as she throws rock after rock at the house until she falls to the ground defeated. In the narration, Forrest says, “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.”

I have found that to be true. I spent many years throwing rocks, angry, hurt, wanting somehow for the math to work out. I wanted all of the real and imagined hurts of my young life to be matched by validation and – not really revenge- but justice.

I am thankful I chose to be psychologist rather than a lawyer (a big decision I grappled with in my 20s). We need lawyers and it is an honorable profession, but I was seeking justice in a way that would not have served anyone. Instead, I went into psychology and worked toward understanding.

It seems that no matter how much you understand (like throwing rocks) there is a process of moving through anger and hurt that also transcends understanding. Anger and hurt must be lived, felt, and released.

I have found that it is not mathematical in a way that we can ever concretely see. Maybe cosmically, but I think Forrest was right- there will never be enough rocks.

Zuri's Story

Zuri has been hurt- over and over. It happened again today. She and Eric had “the conversation” with their mom. They confronted her about her drinking, substance abuse, and her gambling. They confronted her about leaving them for days on end and for not stocking the fridge. They told her that it was not okay that they had to struggle to find food and rely on the church and neighbors to eat.

It wasn’t going well. Sherece (their mom) was defensive and angry. Eric became so frustrated that he went upstairs to his room and turned up his music. Zuri was thankful that he did not leave he house. He kept his word. Still, he left Zuri alone with her mom. Her mom had begun to spiral out of control. Zuri felt it.

After having been confronted with all of the truth- alcoholism and addiction—Sherece was at first catatonic- frozen and non-responsive. The she began to grumble. Her grumbling became increasingly louder until she was yelling (that is when Eric went to his room). She began pacing. She began to speak saying really mean things to Zuri.

She yelled that Zuri thought she was all that. She screamed that Zuri thought she was so smart and so much better than everyone else. She  shouted (so loud the whole neighborhood could hear) that Zuri was just a Sl%^, and a little B*&^%. She kept yelling and kept getting meaner and meaner and louder and louder.

Zuri tried to be as small as she could. She sat in the chair and curled her legs up wrapping her arms around her knees. She sunk her chin into her knees until she could barely see her mother. This made her mother angrier.

“What, you scared now? Really? I am that bad? You so perfect? And I am that bad?”

Zuri shook her head no. “No mama, no.” She whispered.

Like a flash, Sherece was right in Zuri's face, her breath, her horrible stale wine and cigarette breath was in Zuri’s face. Zuri flinched. She tried not to, but she flinched.

Sherece saw this. As if she was swatting any shame away from her Teflon self, she hit Zuri across the face, fist closed. She hit Zuri so hard that that Zuri fell off of the chair to the floor.

Sherece yelled, “Look at what you make me do, you righteous b&**&%.” And she stormed out of the house.

Gone again.

Eric didn’t run down stairs fast enough. His music was too loud. He heard Zuri hit the floor and ran down to protect her. He was too late. He picked Zuri up. It looked like her nose might be broken. There was blood running down her face.

“Ah Zuri, I am so sorry. I did not know she was going to do that. I would have stayed but I was getting too mad. I was afraid I would leave the house or hit her. Sh*%, I think your nose is broken. We have to call 911.”

Zuri shrieked, “No! Eric! They will take us away. No. Don’t call. I am fine.” She wasn’t fine. I can see she is going to get at least one black eye. Sherece hit her hard.

They decided not to call. Eric got an old dishrag and ran warm water over it. He wiped her face clean. He took the rag outside and filled it with snow.  He put it on Zuri's nose, like ice. Thy never had real ice.

Rashan had been at a friend’s house and they would need to think of something to tell him. Zuri and Eric figured they tell him she was getting dinner ready and stood up fast and hit her nose on an open cupboard. They started making dinner together so the story would hold.

Zuri's mind was racing She was so angry but mostly hurt and confused. Maybe she did make her mom this way? Maybe she did seem righteous and judgmental. She was sometimes. She knew she was. She judged her mom. No, she was angry with her mom. What was she going to tell the teachers at school, the counselor, Miss Amanda the yoga teacher? They would all ask. Zuri would need to lie.

She began hitting the countertop. She pounded it hard with her fists. She started crying and sobbing, and yelling “I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.”

Eric tried to get her to stop. He grabbed her fists and Zuri tried to hit him away. He hugged her in close and she struggled. Finally, she fell into him crying.

She began to calm. Her mind thinking. She promised herself that she would never do this to her children, ever. She knew with all confidence that she would not because of the hard work she was doing with and through yoga. She had her journal, her practice, her teacher (Miss Amanda), and The Yoga Bag. She was aware of her feelings and able and willing to process them. She would not pass this hell down one more generation. As she cried on Eric’s shoulder, she cried of sadness and of great relief, relief that she knew better and she had tools.

It was going to be okay and she did not need any rocks. She just needed the tools she was learning and practicing.

The Process

All forms of child abuse have effects. See “Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood Maltreatment,” by Martin H. Teacher, M.D., Ph.D.; Jacqueline A. Samson, Ph.D.; Ann Polcari, R.N., C.S., Ph.D.; Cynthia E. McGreenery (Link to the article below).

Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, they all harm.

They all have effects.

The children, the daughters and sons, such bright lights with the whole world ahead of them, experience not just the abuse but also the aftermath. They experience all of the feelings, the emotional and physical bruises, and the various wonderings about  “Why?”

For some, there is anger. There is the pounding of fists and the throwing of rocks. It can be hard to let go. If this is your path, the frustrating truth is, there just aren’t enough rocks.

Yoga gives us tools for coping with this anger. Yoga has been shown to improve mood and reduce anger and hostility  (e.g., see link and abstract below exploring yoga and effects on an inpatient sample http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/prj/28/4/399).

We don’t need rocks. The reason that there are not enough is that throwing rocks is not the most effective way to move through or beyond it. On the path of rock-throwing anger, you end up on the driveway, hands scratched from the rocks, feeling defeated.

There are these lessons:

1.     For all of those who have been hurt somehow by someone, it is our responsibility to learn effective ways to rise above and through what has happened.

2.     Being hurt is not permission to hurt. Losing control because you have not taken responsibility for managing your anger is not okay. Own it. Own what has happened and learn how to manage it.

3.     Being hurt is not permission to hurt yourself either. It just isn’t.

4.     Learn from your slips. Learn your triggers. Learn when to walk away and take a few minutes, or hours, or whatever it takes to settle yourself. Then, try again.

5.     Yoga is a practice that can help each of us face all of the stuff in our heads and bodies. You face it and manage it and move through it. In the asana and the meditation, you practice staring your whole self right in the eyes, right in the dark places. It is a wonderful, powerful practice that can help me and you be better, stronger, and more effective  people. Consider it.

6.     There won't be enough rocks, ever. And that is okay, we (me, you, and Zuri) don’t need them.

So what to do with all of those rocks? Here is an idea:

Namaste,

Catherine

http://theyogabag.blogspot.com

References

* Forrest Gump

1994 Film

This Academy Award winner for Best Picture stars Tom Hanks as the good hearted, but painfully slow Forrest Gump, a man who manages to somehow be involved with almost every major event in history during the last half of the 20th Century.

Release date: July 6, 1994 (USA)

Characters: Forrest Gump, Jenny Curran, and Lieutenant Dan Taylor

Director: Robert Zemeckis

Screenplay: Eric Roth

Awards: Academy Award for Best Picture,

* Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood Maltreatment By Martin H. Teicher, M.D., Ph.D.; Jacqueline A. Samson, Ph.D.; Ann Polcari, R.N., C.S., Ph.D.; Cynthia E. McGreenery. Am J Psychiatry 2006;163:993-1000. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleid=96671&RelatedWidgetArticles=true

Objective: Childhood maltreatment is an important psychiatric risk factor. Research has focused primarily on the effects of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or witnessing domestic violence. Parental verbal aggression has received little attention as a specific form of abuse. This study was designed to delineate the impact of parental verbal aggression, witnessing domestic violence, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, by themselves and in combination, on psychiatric symptoms. Method: Symptoms and exposure ratings were collected from 554 subjects 18–22 years of age (68% female) who responded to advertisements. The Verbal Abuse Questionnaire was used to assess exposure to parental verbal aggression. Outcome measures included dissociation and symptoms of “limbic irritability,” depression, anxiety, and anger-hostility. Comparisons were made by using effect sizes. Results: Verbal aggression was associated with moderate to large effects, comparable to those associated with witnessing domestic violence or nonfamilial sexual abuse and larger than those associated with familial physical abuse. Exposure to multiple forms of maltreatment had an effect size that was often greater than the component sum. Combined exposure to verbal abuse and witnessing domestic violence had a greater negative effect on some measures than exposure to familial sexual abuse. Conclusions: Parental verbal aggression was a potent form of maltreatment. Exposure to multiple forms of abuse was associated with very large effect sizes. Most maltreated children had been exposed to multiple types of abuse, and the number of different types is a critically important factor.

* The Effects of Yoga on Mood in Psychiatric Inpatients.

Lavey, Roberta; Sherman, Tom; Mueser, Kim T.; Osborne, Donna D.; Currier, Melinda; Wolfe, Rosemarie

Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, Vol 28(4), 2005, 399-402.

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/prj/28/4/399

The effects of yoga on mood were examined in 113 psychiatric in patients at New Hampshire Hospital. Participants completed the Profile of Mood States (POMS) prior to and following participation in a yoga class. Analyses indicated that participants reported significant improvements on all five of the negative emotion factors on the POMS, including tension-anxiety, depression-dejection, anger-hostility, fatigue-inertia, and confusion-bewilderment. There was no significant change on the sixth POMS factor, vigor-activity. Improvements in mood were not related to gender or diagnosis. The results suggest that yoga was associated with improved mood, and may be a useful way of reducing stress during inpatient psychiatric treatment. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2013 APA, all rights reserved)

Does life happen to you or do you happen to life?

Does life happen to you or do you happen to life?

I just finished Level 3 Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga Training in Maya Tulum, Mexico. In fact, I am sitting in the Baltimore Airport for the second day in a row waiting for a flight back to the snowy land of Buffalo, NY. It has given me a chance to process what I have discovered before heading back into things.

Level 3, Maya Tulum, Mexico, 2013

Level Three is about you (me, us) in leadership—that is, leadership in your life and out in the world. It is a powerful training. The individuals who apply to Level 3 are often experienced certified teachers and many are yoga studio owners. The trainers are powerful yoga teachers and leaders. Oh, there are also people like me.

I was very excited to be there and I was in awe of the other people there. I was both of those things. That was my context.

As part of the training, there were teaching sessions in which the leader teachers asked participants to volunteer to teach in front of the group. They did this in order to teach or illustrate a point. Days 1 and 2- I watched- still in awe and a little (or maybe a lot) in my head about the “people like me” part.

It looked like this:

“Wow they are really brave to volunteer. I should be up there. What if I make a mistake? What if I can’t think of anything to say? Ugh. I can’t do that. I should raise my hand. Okay. They are asking for volunteers again. Raise your hand Catherine. Do it. No I can’t. I can’t do it. I am too scared. This is horrible. Why I am so afraid to try new things? Why I do I get so nervous? I am such a loser for getting so nervous. I bet those people don’t even think about these things. They just get up there. Why am I like this? Is it my parents, my childhood? Is it because I moved a lot as a kid? Perfectionism? How many years of therapy does a person need to not feel this way? What the hell is wrong with me?” ……

And on- and on- and on. Awesome right?

So, as you can imagine, throughout Days 1 and 2, I watched pretending like I wasn’t having a gigantic internal dialogue in my head.

Then, nighttime, Day 2 in my room. Thinking….

It looked like this:

“Anything you have ever done in your life involved leaning into fear. You have this. Right. That is true and right. I am volunteering tomorrow. I am going to text my husband and children, my studio owners, and put my intention on Facebook. I am going to be accountable. I am going to volunteer to teach.”

I barely slept I was so excited. I did all I said I would and more. Specifically, I also went to a couple of the leader teachers and told them I wanted to be volunteer. I told fellow participants that I was ready.

This is what happened:

Day 3- no one asked for volunteers to teach.

Day 4- no one asked for volunteers to teach.

Day 5- no one asked for volunteers to teach.

And- yeah you guessed it….

Day 6- no one asked for volunteers to teach.

Day 6 was the last day. So that was that- Or was it?

Zuri’s Story

Since Thanksgiving, Zuri’s mom, Sherece, has been on the wagon (not drinking, doing drugs, or gambling). Zuri loves these times and hates them- both at the same time. When Sherece is not drinking, it is like waiting to get punched in the stomach. Zuri was trying to explain it to her best friend Emily.

“Emily, it is really hard to explain. I am glad that mom is not drinking. But then, I am so afraid that she is going to drink that I can’t be happy. And since she always does again, I just wait for it to happen. Sometimes I even wish for it to happen so that it will just happen. It is like that.”

From Thanksgiving day to last night Zuri waited. She slept in the fetal position every night. She went to school with her jaw clenched and her stomach in knots. She struggled to eat because her stomach was full of worry.

Then last night- her mom went out to “get some cigarettes” and never came home. In fact, she still is not home. Its Sunday afternoon and she is still not home.

“There,” Zuri thought. “It is done.”

And now she sat and worried if her mom was okay.  It was right then that she realized that this is never going to stop.

You see, Zuri worries for it to happen and she worries when it does happen. Zuri is at the effect of alcoholism and drug addiction. She is a child of an alcoholic and that is who she is and that is her life. This happens to her. This happens to Zuri.

It is times like this that she goes to The Yoga Bag. There are answers there, in the yoga of it all. She flips through my notes, the classes, the quotes, the processing. She does this until words stick and she is compelled to read.

She sees it—“Are you at the effect of X or are you a cause in the matter?” Baron Baptiste. Zuri answered, “I am at the effect of alcoholism, my mom, and my worries. They run me.”

She reads my notes. I can see her as she connects to what is written. Her eyes are bright. She is awake, processing. She reads my words about worry and fear. She reads my words about wanting to choose, about wanting to act. She reads of times when I have acted, with power. She wonders what she might be a cause-in-the-matter about.

She thinks of yoga. She thinks of Miss Amanda, the yoga teacher in afterschool. She thinks more about yoga. She thinks, “I want to teach yoga.” She thinks, “If my mom and other people took yoga they wouldn’t drink so much and they would struggle less.” She thinks, “I can help my friends and others find another way to feel better. I can be the cause of what I want more of in my life.”

Zuri decided to practice right then and there. She did sun salutations, flip dogs, lunge sequences, warrior threes, eagle poses, airplane poses. Then, she stood in tree. She rooted, grounded, pressed her foot, her big toe mound into her mat (the beautiful mat Miss Amanda gave her last week as a reward for showing up 4 weeks straight). Yes! she pressed her foot into her own mat. She squeezed the outer shin of her grounded leg in toward the centerline of her body. Her legs lit up as she pulled in the skin, to the muscle, to the bone. Zui pressed the sole of her lifted foot into her thigh and her thigh into her foot. She engaged her core drawing her naval in toward her spine. Her shoulder blades hugged in to the spine. Drawing her front ribs in, she inhaled and lifted her chest and the crown of her head toward the ceiling. Without pause, her hands, all ten of her fingers reached up to the ceiling. From her grounded feet to her reaching head and fingers she felt power, electricity, a fire, run through her body. This was right. It felt exactly right.

Zuri finished practice and took a cleansing warm shower. She put on her pajamas and made her brothers some dinner. Her mom wasn’t home yet and, yeah, that sucked. But, it always sucks and she always does that and then Zuri always worries and what Zuri was starting to realize, maybe even actually realizing right now, was that her worry doesn’t make her mom come home. It has no power.

Zuri made a commitment to make the things that matter grow and, for sure, that included yoga. Zuri noticed that getting excited about learning and someday teaching yoga would actually be full of power.

Rashan, her little brother, pulled on her pajamas. He wanted her to pick him up. He wanted to curl into her. He was worried about their mom. He was scared.

It hit Zuri right then, “I can teach yoga right now. I am going to teach yoga right now.” Zuri sat Rashan down on the floor and turned off the TV. Crossed legged, they faced each other. Zuri held Rashan's hands and began to teach him to breathe. She showed him shallow breaths and then slow deep belly breathing. Zuri showed Rashan child’s pose, down dog, and three-legged dog. She showed him how to do crow. They laughed when he fell – his face right on a couch cushion. Holding hands, Zuri showed Rashan Savasana. As they opened their hearts, she sang Rashan a song, “Don’t worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be all right….” She sang the song softly and gently as Rashan breathed.

And Zuri smiled thinking, “I am a cause in this matter. I am full of power in my life.”

The Process

Baptiste Yoga is founded on commitment, courage, creativity, integrity, defined values, and a truth that sets you free (Baptiste, 2013, www.baptisteyoga.com). Baptiste yoga is a collaborative culture that is about each person being at cause in his or her life. The practice intends to empower others into greatness.

Yoga, the pathway to neurological integration, practiced within the Baptiste framework is life changing and world changing.

We all have this mandate- a default mandate or a chosen mandate- to either be at the cause of X or a cause in the matter (Baptiste, 2013, www.baptisteyoga.com). Ask yourself which you are. Just like I did in training and just like Zuri did with her mom, her life, and for Rashan.

I did not get to teach in front of the whole group, did I? Yet, choosing to be at cause in the matter, to be of my own power, changed the rest of my week from one of fear, ruminating, and reaction to one of hope, excitement, and engagement. I got exactly what I wanted and needed. Same with Zuri. Is her mom home? No. Did something powerful happen for Zuri and Rashan because she chose to be at cause? Yes.

Ask yourself this, “Does life happen to me or do I happen to life?" And if you don’t like your answer change it. Not soon, not tomorrow, right now. Just like me and Zuri, when you know better-- do better. Not think better, plan better, hope better, intend better.

YOU DO BETTER. DO BETTER RIGHT NOW.

I promise, you will love it. It feels amazing.

From the floor, by an outlet, in the Baltimore Airport….

 Namaste!

Catherine