Sometimes, I Guess There Just Aren’t Enough Rocks…
The Effects of Child Abuse and Neglect
On of my favorite movie scenes of all time is right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anz91PPMPw8
It is a scene from Forrest Gump (see references below) in
which Jenny, Forrest’s friend since grade school, sees the house in which she
grew up. She sees the house in which she was hurt and abused. She is transfixed
and walks toward the house. Forrest watches as she throws rock after rock at
the house until she falls to the ground defeated. In the narration, Forrest
says, “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.”
I have found that to be true. I spent many years throwing
rocks, angry, hurt, wanting somehow for the math to work out. I wanted all of
the real and imagined hurts of my young life to be matched by validation and –
not really revenge- but justice.
I am thankful I chose to be psychologist rather than a
lawyer (a big decision I grappled with in my 20s). We need lawyers and it is an
honorable profession, but I was seeking justice in a way that would not have
served anyone. Instead, I went into psychology and worked toward understanding.
It seems that no matter how much you understand (like throwing
rocks) there is a process of moving through anger and hurt that also transcends
understanding. Anger and hurt must be lived, felt, and released.
I have found that it is not mathematical in a way that we
can ever concretely see. Maybe cosmically, but I think Forrest was right- there will never be enough rocks.
Zuri's Story
Zuri has been hurt- over and over. It happened again today.
She and Eric had “the conversation” with their mom. They confronted her about her
drinking, substance abuse, and her gambling. They confronted her about leaving
them for days on end and for not stocking the fridge. They told her that it was
not okay that they had to struggle to find food and rely on the church and
neighbors to eat.
It wasn’t going well. Sherece (their mom) was defensive and
angry. Eric became so frustrated that he went upstairs to his room and turned
up his music. Zuri was thankful that he did not leave he house. He kept his
word. Still, he left Zuri alone with her mom. Her mom had begun to spiral out
of control. Zuri felt it.
After having been confronted with all of the truth- alcoholism
and addiction—Sherece was at first catatonic- frozen and non-responsive. The
she began to grumble. Her grumbling became increasingly louder until she was
yelling (that is when Eric went to his room). She began pacing. She began to
speak saying really mean things to Zuri.
She yelled that Zuri thought she was all that. She screamed
that Zuri thought she was so smart and so much better than everyone else. She shouted (so loud the whole neighborhood could
hear) that Zuri was just a Sl%^, and a little B*&^%. She kept yelling and
kept getting meaner and meaner and louder and louder.
Zuri tried to be as small as she could. She sat in the chair
and curled her legs up wrapping her arms around her knees. She sunk her chin
into her knees until she could barely see her mother. This made her mother angrier.
“What, you scared now? Really? I am that bad? You so
perfect? And I am that bad?”
Zuri shook her head no. “No mama, no.” She whispered.
Like a flash, Sherece was right in Zuri's face, her breath, her
horrible stale wine and cigarette breath was in Zuri’s face. Zuri flinched. She
tried not to, but she flinched.
Sherece saw this. As if she was swatting any shame away from
her Teflon self, she hit Zuri across the face, fist closed. She hit Zuri so
hard that that Zuri fell off of the chair to the floor.
Sherece yelled, “Look at what you make me do, you righteous
b&**&%.” And she stormed out of the house.
Gone again.
Eric didn’t run down stairs fast enough. His music was too
loud. He heard Zuri hit the floor and ran down to protect her. He was too late.
He picked Zuri up. It looked like her nose might be broken. There was blood
running down her face.
“Ah Zuri, I am so sorry. I did not know she was going to do
that. I would have stayed but I was getting too mad. I was afraid I would leave
the house or hit her. Sh*%, I think your nose is broken. We have to call 911.”
Zuri shrieked, “No! Eric! They will take us away. No. Don’t
call. I am fine.” She wasn’t fine. I can see she is going to get at least one black
eye. Sherece hit her hard.
They decided not to call. Eric got an old dishrag and ran
warm water over it. He wiped her face clean. He took the rag outside and filled
it with snow. He put it on Zuri's nose,
like ice. Thy never had real ice.
Rashan had been at a friend’s house and they would need to
think of something to tell him. Zuri and Eric figured they tell him she was
getting dinner ready and stood up fast and hit her nose on an open cupboard.
They started making dinner together so the story would hold.
Zuri's mind was racing She was so angry but mostly hurt and confused.
Maybe she did make her mom this way? Maybe she did seem righteous and judgmental.
She was sometimes. She knew she was. She judged her mom. No, she was angry with
her mom. What was she going to tell the teachers at school, the counselor, Miss
Amanda the yoga teacher? They would all ask. Zuri would need to lie.
She began hitting the countertop. She pounded it hard with
her fists. She started crying and sobbing, and yelling “I hate her. I hate her.
I hate her.”
Eric tried to get her to stop. He grabbed her fists and Zuri
tried to hit him away. He hugged her in close and she struggled. Finally, she
fell into him crying.
She began to calm. Her mind thinking. She promised herself
that she would never do this to her children, ever. She knew with all
confidence that she would not because of the hard work she was doing with and
through yoga. She had her journal, her practice, her teacher (Miss Amanda), and
The Yoga Bag. She was aware of her feelings and able and willing to process
them. She would not pass this hell down one more generation. As she cried on Eric’s
shoulder, she cried of sadness and of great relief, relief that she knew better
and she had tools.
It was going to be okay and she did not need any rocks. She
just needed the tools she was learning and practicing.
The Process
All forms of child abuse have effects. See “Sticks, Stones,
and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood
Maltreatment,” by Martin H. Teacher, M.D., Ph.D.; Jacqueline A.
Samson, Ph.D.; Ann Polcari, R.N., C.S., Ph.D.; Cynthia E. McGreenery (Link to
the article below).
Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, they all harm.
They all have effects.
The children, the daughters and sons, such bright lights with the whole
world ahead of them, experience not just the abuse but also the aftermath. They
experience all of the feelings, the emotional and physical bruises, and the
various wonderings about “Why?”
For some, there is anger. There is the pounding of fists and the throwing
of rocks. It can be hard to let go. If this is your path, the frustrating truth
is, there just aren’t enough rocks.
Yoga gives us tools for coping with this anger. Yoga has been
shown to improve mood and reduce anger and hostility (e.g., see link and abstract below exploring
yoga and effects on an inpatient sample http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/prj/28/4/399).
We don’t need rocks. The reason that there are not enough is
that throwing rocks is not the most effective way to move through or beyond it.
On the path of rock-throwing anger, you end up on the driveway, hands scratched
from the rocks, feeling defeated.
There are these lessons:
1.
For all of those who have been hurt somehow by
someone, it is our responsibility to learn effective ways to rise above and
through what has happened.
2.
Being hurt is not permission to hurt. Losing
control because you have not taken responsibility for managing your anger is
not okay. Own it. Own what has happened and learn how to manage it.
3.
Being hurt is not permission to hurt yourself
either. It just isn’t.
4.
Learn from your slips. Learn your triggers. Learn
when to walk away and take a few minutes, or hours, or whatever it takes to
settle yourself. Then, try again.
5.
Yoga is a practice that can help each of us face
all of the stuff in our heads and bodies. You face it and manage it and move
through it. In the asana and the meditation, you practice staring your whole
self right in the eyes, right in the dark places. It is a wonderful, powerful
practice that can help me and you be better, stronger, and more effective people. Consider it.
6.
There won't be enough rocks, ever. And that is
okay, we (me, you, and Zuri) don’t need them.
So what to do with all of those rocks? Here is an idea:
Namaste,
Catherine
http://theyogabag.blogspot.com
References
* Forrest Gump
1994 Film
This Academy
Award winner for Best Picture stars Tom Hanks as the good hearted, but
painfully slow Forrest Gump, a man who manages to somehow be involved with
almost every major event in history during the last half of the 20th Century.
Release date: July 6, 1994 (USA)
Characters: Forrest Gump, Jenny Curran, and Lieutenant Dan Taylor
Awards:
Academy Award for Best Picture,
* Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of
Childhood Maltreatment By Martin H. Teicher, M.D., Ph.D.; Jacqueline A.
Samson, Ph.D.; Ann Polcari, R.N., C.S., Ph.D.; Cynthia E. McGreenery. Am J Psychiatry 2006;163:993-1000. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993
Objective: Childhood
maltreatment is an important psychiatric risk factor. Research has focused
primarily on the effects of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or witnessing
domestic violence. Parental verbal aggression has received little attention as
a specific form of abuse. This study was designed to delineate the impact of
parental verbal aggression, witnessing domestic violence, physical abuse, and
sexual abuse, by themselves and in combination, on psychiatric symptoms. Method: Symptoms and exposure ratings
were collected from 554 subjects 18–22 years of age (68% female) who responded
to advertisements. The Verbal Abuse Questionnaire was used to assess exposure
to parental verbal aggression. Outcome measures included dissociation and
symptoms of “limbic irritability,” depression, anxiety, and anger-hostility.
Comparisons were made by using effect sizes. Results: Verbal aggression was associated with moderate to large
effects, comparable to those associated with witnessing domestic violence or
nonfamilial sexual abuse and larger than those associated with familial
physical abuse. Exposure to multiple forms of maltreatment had an effect size
that was often greater than the component sum. Combined exposure to verbal
abuse and witnessing domestic violence had a greater negative effect on some
measures than exposure to familial sexual abuse. Conclusions: Parental verbal aggression was a potent form of
maltreatment. Exposure to multiple forms of abuse was associated with very
large effect sizes. Most maltreated children had been exposed to multiple types
of abuse, and the number of different types is a critically important factor.
* The Effects of
Yoga on Mood in Psychiatric Inpatients.
Lavey, Roberta;
Sherman, Tom; Mueser, Kim T.; Osborne, Donna D.; Currier, Melinda; Wolfe,
Rosemarie
Psychiatric
Rehabilitation Journal, Vol 28(4), 2005, 399-402.
The effects of yoga
on mood were examined in 113 psychiatric in patients at New Hampshire Hospital.
Participants completed the Profile of Mood States (POMS) prior to and following
participation in a yoga class. Analyses indicated that participants reported
significant improvements on all five of the negative emotion factors on the
POMS, including tension-anxiety, depression-dejection, anger-hostility,
fatigue-inertia, and confusion-bewilderment. There was no significant change on
the sixth POMS factor, vigor-activity. Improvements in mood were not related to
gender or diagnosis. The results suggest that yoga was associated with improved
mood, and may be a useful way of reducing stress during inpatient psychiatric
treatment. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2013 APA, all rights reserved)
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