What is underneath your compulsions? It takes THESE 15 minutes to change your life

What is underneath your compulsions? It takes THESE 15 minutes to change your life

Today’s post is about those seconds and minutes between the moment you are triggered and the moment you act. It is those exact, rich, beautiful, scary, moments that can change your life. I described these moments for you as seen through Zuri’s life (Zuri’s Eyes) and then explain the psychology of it (The Process).

Zuri’s Eyes: Zuri’s Brother Eric is in Trouble

Things have been going okay for a while. Zuri has been watching the TV and monitoring the situation in Nairobi. She has been praying for the Kenya people every day. Her mom never did come home Saturday night. At 11:00 AM Sunday morning, she walked in with groceries as if nothing had happened. Zuri is used to this and, like always, Zuri tried to hide the hurt in her eyes as she listened to her mom go on and on about how her Aunt Jasmine “thinks she all that….” Well, they had groceries and her mom was some so…

This week was a so-far-so-good week. She, Eric, and Rashan got to school and her mom to work on both Monday and Tuesday. The news came late Tuesday night. There had been a shooting. A 16 year-old was dead and a 22 year-old injured. The police were not releasing the child’s name until the family had been notified. Zuri ran to check on Eric. Ahhh, phew, he was buried in his bed. He threw a pillow at her, “Get out of here Zuri!”

Early Wednesday morning they heard on the TV that it was Thomas that died. Three streets over, Eric’s friend. Thomas was a pretty good kid, but he had been hanging out with some of the kids who were into trouble, really bad trouble. The news said he was an innocent bystander of an attempted murder. The police believe that the target was the 22 year-old who suffered a gunshot wound to the hand and was in recovery at Erie County Medical Center. Thomas, it was said, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Zuri felt like she had heard that a hundred times. Eric was a mess.

The day of the funeral, Zuri, her mom, and Rashan were dressed and ready to go. Zuri went upstairs to get Eric. He was refusing to go.

Their mom yelled, “Come on! We are late.”

Zuri hollered back, “Me and Eric will catch up with you. You go.”

Eric sat holding a bottle of vodka, seal on. He was crying and rocking back and forth.

“Zuri, get out of here.”

She said, “No Eric, I won’t.”

He said, “I am going to drink this whole damn thing. I don’t care any more. It’s not okay. Thomas is dead. He didn’t do anything to anyone…..God, Zuri, get our of here!”

She felt that feeling she feels when her mom pushes her away so that she can drink. It was so familiar. It was a deep ache in her chest and a worry in her belly.

“Eric that is what mom and dad do when they think they are not strong enough, they drink. We don’t have to be that way. We don’t. You are my big brother. You are the strong one. You take care of all of us and make sure we are okay. I need you to NOT do this. She held his hands and looked into his eyes. Eric, I love you so much (they were broth crying now). I can’t lose you like we have lost mom and dad—and now Thomas is gone—all for this sh#%. Because no one thinks they are strong enough.” Zuri had been reading from the books and notes in the yoga bag. She had confidence in her words.

Eric let the bottle roll off the bed. “F#%$ it,” he said.

(For an amazing poet [warning lots of strong language and descriptions of violence] on the violence in the inner city watch

Jasmine Mans - " I Know you Didn't Mean to Kill Him" http://youtu.be/AC1wGvPnTl8)

And then he sobbed. He held his face in his hands and he cried for Thomas. Zuri rubbed his back, tears running down her face. It was 10 maybe 15 minutes that passed. Eric looked up at Zuri and said, “Let’s go. Thomas’s family needs us.”

Zuri and Eric headed out the front door. Zuri, look at Eric, nervous. “Uh, I forget my purse, Hold on.” Eric said, “Hurry.”

Zuri ran upstairs and hid the bottle of vodka in her closet, in the yoga bag, and grabbed her purse. Feeling safer, she ran to meet Eric.

The funeral was so very sad, heart-wrenchingly sad. Sometimes Zuri thought she couldn’t breathe. Afterword, Thomas’s family and friends met in the basement of the church. There was food. Kids were telling stories about Thomas. Family and friends held Thomas's mother and sisters. They had glued photos on poster boards and placed the jerseys and awards from his sports on the tables. It was really nice and really hard. 

After, Zuri and Eric walked home together. She leaned into his side and he placed his arm around her shoulders.

“I love you Eric.”

”I love you too Zuri.”

The Process

There is this moment between the time that you are triggered and when you act (or not) that is so completely powerful. Kim Chernin, a famous feminist writer spoke quite effectively about this.* A pioneer, she addressed eating disorders in the 1980s. She spoke of this exact, formative moment between urge and action in her book, “The Hungry Self: Women, Eating, and the Search for identity.”

“The first time I tried to deliberately hesitate before I ate I found that I was scarcely able to drag myself to my study to grab a pen. The urgency I felt, the pressure of the unknown force, made my hands shake. I wanted to move and act and eat and swallow. I wanted cookies and chocolate and gobs of peanut butter. How could I sit at my desk, how could I hold back the frenzied rush, how could I think?” (Chernin, 1985, page 151).

It was in these moments that Kim, herself, battled her own eating disorder. She forced herself, in the moments that she was triggered, to fight for the voice underneath the symptoms. She-- time after time- went to her desk and wrote. At first one word, maybe two, and after a while a cluster of words, and then an image, and then a memory. Over time and after many so-called, failed attempts, she was able to unearth an incredibly powerful image that was driving her compulsion. Underneath her bingeing and purging was a complicated, confusing, interpersonal struggle that she had been avoiding for years.

We take ourselves out in so many ways. Like Eric, holding the bottle afraid to face his friend’s funeral. We don’t blame or judge him. We all “hold on to a bottle” of some kind or another, our own crutch, our go-to thing. For some of us, it’s shopping, fighting with our loved ones, binge eating, smoking, or painkillers—in fact there are thousands of ways you can take yourself out. Like they say in AA, there is no problem a drink can’t make worse. True for all the of the other vices. You are already here and it’s hard. You don’t need to add your compulsions and addictions, they complicate things and take you out.

Stay. Like Eric. Connect with someone you love. Hold his or her hands and try. Then, get out there. Get to yoga. Go for a run. Make a healthy choice and be in your life for the better of it and when it’s worse. Be in it. You will be amazed how strong you are and how much you can handle.

You may also learn some pretty powerful stuff about yourself- because in the staying is all of the rich, gorgeous, thick, stuff—and it is worth every ounce of your trying. And on the way home, arm and arm with someone you love, take a deep breath in and smile.

See you in the game:)

Namaste,

Catherine

* Chernin, K. (1985). The hungry self: Women, eating, and identity. New York, NY: Random House.  

Yoga Sutra 1.2: Pain is real, so why add suffering? (sometimes a glass of wine is just a glass of wine)

Yoga Sutra 1.2: Pain is real, so why add suffering? (sometimes a glass of wine is just a glass of wine)

Zuri sees Miss Ely at the Mall

Zuri’s Aunt Jasmine, the one who works at the bank downtown, takes Zuri to the mall a couple of times a year to buy some school clothes and have a nice dinner. It is one of Zuri’s favorite things. Her life feels so normal when she and Aunt Jasmine are walking through the stores, bags in hand, trying to decide what restaurant to go to.

Zuri and her Aunt Jasmine spent time in all of Zuri’s favorite stores. Her feet were getting tired. This afternoon she got a new pair of jeans and some really cute long sleeve shirts for fall. Zuri likes the sleeves really long so that she can pull them down over her hands when it get’s cold in school (and at home). She sneaks long looks at her aunt. She sees Aunt Jasmine’s bright smile, her beautiful skin, and her warmth. Zuri is so happy Jasmine doesn’t drink like her mom does. Zuri’s Aunt Jasmine explained to Zuri that their grandmother drank so much that she eventually became very sick and had to go live in a special place. Zuri wonders if it was rehab—like Jayla’s mom—but she is afraid to ask. She sort of doesn’t want to know.

They decide to go the Cheesecake Factory, which is super great. There is long line and they wait. It is a huge place and she starts people watching. Zuri sees Miss Ely from School, her science teacher. Miss Ely is laughing and smiling and talking to a man. It seems like she is on a date. Oh no—wine, a glass of wine. Zuri’s heart sinks. Miss Ely has a glass of wine. I see Zuri’s face drop, feel her heart drop. She looks away fast and lowers her eyes. She feels ashamed, somehow, for seeing Miss Ely drinking. Its weird but she feels like she did something wrong, like she is bad for seeing.

Their buzzer goes off. Their table is ready. Zuri can hardly breathe. Her mind is racing. She is terrified, “Oh Gosh!” They are walking right by Miss Ely.

“Zuri! Hi!” Miss Ely says as she stands up to greet Zuri.

Zuri feels shy, “Hi Miss Ely.” Long pause here…….

“Hi, I am Zuri’s Aunt Jasmine,” her aunt interjects.

“Zuri is one of my most favorite students. She is such a bright girl. She is going to do whatever she sets her mind to! It is so good to see you Zuri and so nice to meet you Jasmine.”

“You too.” Says Zuri’s Aunt Jasmine. “We won’t keep you. Enjoy your dinner.”

“Goodnight Zuri. See you in school.”

Zuri struggles to smile, head down. They are shown to their table deep into the dining room, far away from Miss Ely.

Zuri’s aunt asks her what is wrong. Zuri won’t say. She is so sad about Miss Ely and the wine. Her aunt presses, “Zuri, girl, what is it?”

Zuri explains how she feels. She says that she is so worried about her mom and that she hates alcohol. She said that she is so sad that Miss Ely is drinking too. Getting it, Zuri's aunt explains that for some people wine is okay. She says that it’s tricky, but that for some people it is perfectly okay to have a glass or two of wine. She explains that some people don’t get addicted and that they don’t struggle. She explained that alcoholism doesn’t run in some families like it does in theirs.

So, she explains, just because Zuri saw Miss Ely drinking wine, it does not mean, necessarily, that Miss Ely is an alcoholic.

At home and in bed, reading her Yoga Sutras (yes, she thinks- I WILL read this whole thing). She reads sutra 1.2 about the turning of the mind. She wonders if she was doing just what the sutra was saying at the mall when she saw Miss Ely.

She thought it through. She saw miss Ely and then her mind quickly judged what she saw. Right away, Zuri thought that what she saw was very bad. Then, her mind starting running on the ideas. Her thoughts went deeper into the implications of what she saw and how bad it was. Her mind kept turning and thinking until she got to feeling-- not just bad, but that she, she was bad.

It was like these sutras explained. And she noticed that as her aunt clarified that it was all okay, she could go back to just seeing Miss Ely and not judging and not being afraid, sad, or shamed. “Wow” Zuri thought. “There is a lot to learn here.” Sleepy, she sets down her Yoga Sturas and closes her eyes thinking good thoughts about Miss Ely.

The Process:

Sutra 1.2 Yogash chitta virtti nirodhah

Here are three of the interpretations:

1.     We become whole by stopping the turning of the mind (Roach & McNally, 2005)

2.     Yoga is the control of the thought-waves of the mind (Prabhavananda & Isherwood; 1953)

3.     Yoga is the stilling of the changing states of mind (Bryant, 2009) 

According to Roach and McNally (2005), these are the most important words in the entire Yoga Sutra. Similarly, Bryant (2009) suggests that Patanjali has nearly summarized the entire system of yoga in this sutra.

Roach and McNallly (2005) tell us that pain is real and truly does hurt us, but the turning of the mind can add to this pain.

Prabhavananda and Isherwood (1953) break it down into steps:

Step 1: Manas- receives impressions gathered by senses from the world outside of us.

Step 2: Buddhi- classifies impressions and reacts to them (e.g., This is good or bad, safe or unsafe, pleasant or unpleasant).

Step 3: Ahamkar- claims impressions (i.e., I see) and stores them as one’s own knowledge (i.e., I know).

For Zuri, this would be like this.

Step 1: I see Miss Ely drinking (the seeing).

Step 2: Drinking is bad. When my mom is drinking bad things happen. Miss Ely’s drinking is bad (the classifying).

Step 3: I know this. I am going to get stressed. Miss Ely might not show up for work. She might not be okay. I feel bad for seeing her. I am wrong for seeing her (i.e., knowing and identification).

It is the false identification (see step 3) that can add suffering to pain (Prabhavananda & Isherwood; 1953). In a similar way this process is described in the post on the Buddhist Psychological Model (see previous post).  http://theyogabag.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-buddhist-psychological-model.html

For Zuri, it could also be like this.

Step 1: I see Miss Ely drinking (the seeing).

Step 2: It may be good it may be bad. I don’t know. Some people are okay with wine. I don’t need to decide right now if this is okay or not (the classifying).

Step 3: I am just at the mall with my Aunt Jasmine. I am happy. I am getting ready to eat cheesecake. I am a little girl who saw her teacher and that is that (not-self, non-attachment).

It is not easy to stop the turnings of the mind. As Zuri, you, and I go through the Yoga Sutras we will learn lots of ways to stop the turnings of the mind. For us, Patanjali provides a path, an 8-limb path, toward self-regulation and peace of mind. Sutra 1.2 sets the stage for what is coming and there is a lot to learn.  

So sweet dreams and know that sometimes a glass of wine is just a glass of wine : )

Namaste,

Catherine

For an overview of the people in Zuri's life go here:
http://theyogabag.blogspot.com/p/zuris-people-overview-of-poeple-is.html

What is Yoga? Yoga Sutra 1.1: “I will now review for you how we become whole”

What is Yoga?

Yoga Sutra 1.1: “I will now review for you how we become whole”

Zuri Learns About Yoga

Anyone who knows Zuri knows that she experiences a lot of anxiety. She comes by it honestly. It is, a big part of it anyway, genetic. She doesn’t know her dad too well, yet she remembers his anxiety. He was, and still is; always nervous about what other people might think and how he looks in social situations. Her mom is a nervous wreck for sure. Zuri suspects that it is the anxiety that leads to her mom’s drinking. Her mom says that it “calms her nerves.” It seems to. When Zuri’s mom gets home from work she starts drinking her wine. She says, “Ah, my wine.” Zuri notices that it funny that the other liquids in her house are not quite as close to Zuri’s mom as her wine. It is not, “my water” or "my milk.” In those cases it is “water” and “milk.” But with wine, it is sort of like her mom is saying, “my medicine.” Zuri is pretty sure that the medicine is for her anxiety, for her stress.

Zuri loves her mom a lot. In many ways she wants to be just like her—caring, loving, and generous. Still, she doesn’t want to end up needing to drink alcohol to feel better. She sees her mom when she is hung over. She sees her mom not be able to speak clearly. She sees her mom not getting up for work. She sees her mom letting people down. She sees her mom making promises she doesn’t  keep (that one is super personal for Zuri and it hurts). She sees all that. She doesn’t want it. And she also wants to feel less anxious. Zuri wants the thinking and thinking that goes on in her mind to stop or at least settle down.

Homework done and she is lying awake, Zuri decides to start reading one of the books from the yoga bag. The advertisements on the sides of mattress trucks have yoga people on them. They seem so peaceful. This stuff might have something to it-- she hopes. She decides to choose a book and read the whole thing from cover to cover. She reaches in and digs for a skinny book (yeah, if you are going to commit to a whole book make it manageable). She chooses one that won’t take too long to read. She finds, “The Essential Yoga Sutra: Ancient Wisdom for Your Yoga” by Geshe Michael Roach and Christie McNally (Three Leaves Press, Doubleday, NY; 2005).

She reads about Patanjali and about sutras. She learns that a sutra is the very essence of something, the thread that holds it together, defines it. She reads that the authors believe that the Yoga Sutra is the “Mother book of all yoga” (Roach & McNally, 2005; first page, Ch. 1). She reads that the real author of this book, Patanjali, was a master yogi that knew all of the physical poses, meditated, and reflected on life, the world, and meaning. She reads that Patanjali had mastered his mind. She reflects, “Ah, I bet he felt so strong.” She reads that yoga has many meanings and in its essence is union. Roach and McNally (2005) tell Zuri about inner winds. She thinks they might mean her spirit, her passions, and her fears. They explain to her that when she thinks and understands, when she practices yoga, these winds unite allowing her to follow her dreams. Zuri loves the idea of this.

She reads Sutra 1.1, “I will now review for you how we become whole.” Roach and McNally, (2005) have studied many ancient texts to translate Patanjali’s words for Zuri. She knows that as she reads it is like reading the words of Patanjali. Below this first sutra, Roach and McNally explain what Patanjali means here. They explain that another meaning of yoga is “to become whole.” What they say is huge. Very huge. They explain that becoming whole happens when you are capable of helping others and when you know what really matters. They tell Zuri that Patanjali was so humble that he uses the word, “review” as he shares the wisdom of the ancient yogis for us. They explain that in his humble nature, he reviews this great knowledge for us. She thinks that this is as generous as Roach and McNally (2005) who have written this explanation of the Yoga Sturas for her. In all of these pages, they review the practice of yoga for her in all generosity. She has read on the back of the book that they have donated all of the proceeds from this book to the Yoga Studies Institute (YSI).*

She loves how Patanjali begins by saying. “I will…” She sees the whole book and she sees that what he says he “will” do he has done. She has had so many broken promises in her life. She loves that Patanjali, Roach, and McNally did what they set out to do—from start to finish—they kept their word. They are like Miss Ely, her science teacher, who does everything she says she will do. It’s like that and it feels good.

She’s getting sleepy. I see her eyelids fall into long blinks as she holds the book. There is something about hope and faith that help sleep settle into your body. A few minutes later, I see Zuri surrender into her sleep. The book folds into her blankets as she turns on her side.

Good night Zuri.

The Process

Yoga is the path of becoming whole, integrated. There is a science to it, a neuroscience in fact. The International Journal for Yoga Therapy http://www.iayt.org/ officially went on Medline in 2012. You can read and see all that is being documented.

From the web page: “The International Journal of Yoga Therapy (IJYT) is an annual, peer-reviewed journal serving Yoga practitioners, Yoga teachers, Yoga therapists, health professionals, and Yoga researchers. We publish scholarly and research-based submissions related to any tradition or aspect of Yoga Therapy.”

As you practice your yoga—the asanas, the breath work, the meditation (and more)—you will move toward an integrated, a neurologically integrated self. Daniel Siegel, M.D., http://drdansiegel.com/ has written many wonderful books about mindful practices and the changes you will experience in your brain and in your relationships (I use his texts in my university classes here at UB).

What is so compelling for me, is that the Yoga Sutras are so correct. Patanjali speaks to what we now know in fMRI studies and controlled trials to be true. There is so much more to learn and we know so much already. 

Yoga creates integration and integration creates health, mental and physical health.

Practice your yoga and know that peace, sleep, and well-being will find you. It is written in the Sutras and is being document by science.

Namaste!

Catherine

For an overview of the people in Zuri's life go here:
http://theyogabag.blogspot.com/p/zuris-people-overview-of-poeple-is.html

 The Yoga Studies Institute information:

* http://www.yogastudiesinstitute.org/

From the web page:

“YSI is a school that teaches how to achieve the ultimate goal of yoga: a life of love, wisdom, authenticity, fulfillment and purpose. YSI courses teach the yogic path as a lifestyle; a complete, daily practice that helps you step into your ultimate self, while honoring your every-day self, and show others how to do the same. YSI trainings are among the few worldwide that reunite the "outer" and "inner" methods of asana, breath awareness, ethical actions, meditation, and wisdom. This powerful synthesis of physical yoga and spiritual understanding is referred to in scriptures as royal yoga or raja yoga and includes all eight limbs described by Master Patanjali, author of the Yoga Sutra. YSI yoga accesses all three bodies of being; gross (physical body) subtle (pranic body), and causal (ultimate body). Each asana class facilitates an experience of these bodies, including safe, expert guidance in physical practice, awareness of and instruction in feeling the subtle or energetic body, and finally dissolution in our ultimate nature. The YSI curriculum sources the oldest known Yogic scriptures, teaching an ancient, authentic lineage that traces back 2,500 years.”

Loving-Kindness for Your Anxiety about Difficult People

Loving-Kindness for Your Anxiety about Difficult People

                                                                                                                        

Zuri Struggles with a Girl at School

Zuri is very sweet. Perhaps, she knows, she is what people call “Too nice.” It’s hard for her because she feels what others are feeling. She really does. When someone is hurting, she knows it. When someone is mad, she feels it. Sometimes she pretends this is her super power, a super powered ability to feel the feelings of others. Many times, she doesn’t like this gift she has. It is a lot to take in everyday. It also makes it difficult for her to pay attention her own feelings and needs. The result is Zuri feeling very anxious.

There are certain people who trigger her more than others. At school, there is a girl in her grade, eighth grade, which has it hard at home. Her name is Jayla. Jayla lives with her grandmother. Zuri isn’t sure but she thinks Jayla’s older brother is at the alternative school for kids with behavior problems and things like that. She doesn’t know much about Jayla’s parents but she heard a rumor that Jalya’s mom overdosed two years ago.

Zuri and Jayla don’t get along. Jayla is hard on Zuri. She teases her and bullies her. Zuri knows what Jayla has been through and struggles to speak up to Jayla or tell on her. She sits near Jayla in some classes and has heard her crying with her head in her folded arms on the desk. Zuri has tried to be kind, supportive, and nice. When she smiles at Jayla, Jayla looks at her and says, “What? What do you want?” and then shakes her head, “Stupid, Zuri, you are so stupid.”

At night, Zuri worries about Jayla for two reasons. First, she gets stressed about what Jayla will say to her tomorrow. Second, she worries that Jayla might not be okay. She does not know what to do. She figures she might read some of the stuff in the yoga bag, maybe there is something in there….

I am hoping she finds the loving-kindness meditation. As she flips through my journal, I pray hard that she sees it. Ahhhh. She does. Zuri begins to read the section on loving-kindness. I ran into this in yoga training and then again teaching a class called, The Mindful Therapist at the University. I love it. I am so happy Zuri found it.

She reads my notes. They tell her to sit in a comfortable place. She snuggles into her bed, pillows around her hips, legs cross. She thinks, “All set.” Then, the notes tell her to focus on her breath, her belly, and observe as she breathes. She does this. She follows all of the breathing instructions.*

Next, the notes explain that she can speak or think (inner speaking) the phrases:

May I be safe.

May I be healthy.

May I have ease of the body and mind.

May I be at peace.

Next, she is asked to expand her field of loving-kindness outside of herself:

May the people who take care of me be safe.

May the people who take care of me be healthy.

May the people who take care of me have ease of the body and mind.

May the people who take care of me be at peace.

She is then asked to further expand her field of loving-kindness in this way:

May those I love be safe.

May those I love be healthy.

May those I love have ease of mind and body.

May those I love be at peace.

Further, she expands her field of loving-kindness to those she feels neutrally about (neither likes or dislikes-- acquaintances you see at the store once in a while or the new crossing guard on the way to school):

May my acquaintances be safe.

May my acquaintances be healthy.

May my acquaintances have ease of the mind and body.

May my acquaintances be at peace.

This last one will be harder for her. The notes ask her to think about someone that is difficult in her life and expand the field of loving-kindness to him or her.

Zuri knows this means Jayla.

May Jayla be safe.

May Jayla be healthy.

May Jayla have ease of the body and mind.

May Jayla be at peace.

Zuri says that one twice. It actually felt good and she felt stronger.

The notes then direct her to extend her field of loving-kindness outward even further. To the whole earth, to the solar system and then to the universe. Wow! Zuri felt strong and wonderful.

Next, day, she Zuri sees Jayla and feels the loving-kindness, no worries, no stress, just the loving-kindness. Jayla says, “What? What do you want?” and Zuri smiles and keeps walking to class in her breath and in her loving-kindness.

The Process:

These instructions are paraphrased from a wonderful text/workbook that is strongly recommended by me for you. It is called, A Mindfulness Stress Reduction Workbook by Stahl & Goldstein (New Harbinger Press).* You can purchase it on amazon.com or any other web-based book store or order it through your local book store.  The text gives you step-by-step instructions on many mindful techniques that can ease stress in your life with effective tools.

The loving-kindness meditation is a tool that can really help your stress associated with difficult people. No matter where you work of how many people are in your circle of family, you will, no doubt, for sure, run into people that trigger you (you probably trigger them too- really you probably do). This meditation  returns you to openness, strength, and flexibility in the relationship and out of reaction.

I respect Zuri. She does better than I do at these things. Loving-kindness practice is challenging. When I am feeling discouraged, I remind myself that this is a practice. With practice, you get stronger, better, and more effective. Just like self-love, our love for, and being with others, is a practice. The loving-kindness meditation keeps us in good intention and headed in the right direction.

Namaste,

Catherine

*Stahl, B., & Goldstein, E. (2010). A mindfulness-based stress reduction workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Press.

For an overview of people in Zuri's life go here:
http://theyogabag.blogspot.com/p/zuris-people-overview-of-poeple-is.html